VP or Secretary? I really dunno which 1 shld I run for mann?! I know the possibility of getting Secretary is super high - since i've been doing all the shitty documental jobs, and seems like i'm still giving pple a weaker feel. When can I change this impression? I dun think it’s cuz of my size physically (I know it does play a small consideration), but I supposed my character is still not strong enough, esp my self-esteem. I always cant make up my mind, dunno why m I so poor in such important traits. Can’t I be more certain in decision-making? Always cant decide when I’m given a choice, or else I’ll be regretting for making the decision. Y m I so freckled-minded? Can’t I just be firmed enough to decide on one confidently without hesitation & regret? Even b4 tdy’s voting of different post for the 4th exco of eMIX, I still have to call Fei-zai to decide which post I shld run for. Really feel very useless. He told me to run 4 VP since I wanted to. At 1st I dinno that he actually have underlying-reasons 4 encouraging me to do so ~ “At least I tried running 4 VP, even though I dun get it.” I understand his reason, cuz if I din try, I will regret 4 not trying after the voting. Suddenly I feel like a beam of light has just enlightened me. In addition, last night he has told me my other bad point -> tend to take pple 4 granted! Actually, he’s not the 1st one who told me tat anyway, but I guess even thou I’ve tried to change, I’ve returned to the same old me again! Haiz.. issit really tat impossible 4 me to change? He told me tat I’ll lose a lot of fwenz that way – I think it’s rather true! I dun really have many fwenz now! But I guess I have lesser fwenz now not really because of that only lah! Cuz I dun think I’ll take my very close n good fwenz 4 granted, perhaps just those acquaintances?! Having his words in mind, I think I gotta self-reflect more often after my mid-term mann… Feel so bad! Haiz… Without much wrong judgment, I was chosen to be the secretary despite I confessed my preferred post is VP. Actually my prediction was rather accurate -> President: Mich, Marketing: Can, IT: Jun… But I was quite unexpected that Vida & Nic tied in their votes for VP ~ cuz of my self-vote, they tied (cuz 7 voters altogether: 3 for each and 1 for myself). Then we re-vote again, just by thinking that Vida is someone who is rather too soft-spoken alone, n with the rush of time, I voted Nic as VP. After seeing the disappointment on Vida’s face, I felt so guilty! Actually, if we vote again, mayb she can get treasurer post -> cuz just b4 we intended 2 vote, she just let Kun to take treasury post. How thoughtful she is?! I supposed she must be thinking that since she din get wad she wan, she also dun wan others to feel the same as her, n make herself feel guilty for taking up a post that the other wanted so much more than her. I really feel very bad 4 u leh! I owe u VIDA! Cuz after much consideration, I think if I were 2 b given a chance, I would rather vote 4 u than Nic, I’ve forgotten Nic’s weak points -> which are so much more than Vida (from what I see)! Haiz… I’m really a sucker in making decision, esp with in a time-rush situation. I dunno how?! Have to face Nic as a VP for the rest of the year, hope that she can control her bad points & really contribute as well as if Vida were 2 be the VP lor! Vida, I wun forget tat time ur individual consolation & encouragement during Art Fest rehearsal, I was really touched – cuz u were the only one who rmb me, supported me, make me strong! I really put my hat off u! I LIKE U VIDA! Pls dun blame me 4 my mistake! I really feel very guilty inside! =(

Wah! Finally can go n shop already! I’m so deprived from shopping, in fact, I’m totally detached from the outside world ever since I started sch à (1) New freshmen recruitment -> (2) Audition & Interview for Emixers -> (3) Art Fest performance -> (4) Presentations & Report dateline -> (5) 3 Mid-term exams in 2 days... Seriously like a Choo-choo-train - continue non-stop mann...

When can I really take a break? Cuz my printer ink no more already; Somemore tdy is Isetan Scotts private sales -> thought of going, but at the end, cuz really have no time, probably next time (since they have it every quarter yearly, besides, I hv not been shopping already. “Wad if I cant find anythg I like? Isn’t tat wasting time?” But I wanted to see my Mango jacket tat I saw quite sometime back, but Mango only got 10% discount, I’m still waiting 4 the EOY sales (whereby the discount is much more). But I guess luckily I went tdy mann... I went to many other Mango outlets oso dun c tat jacket -> mayb only Taka’s has (since I saw tat jacket there) OMG!!! How come I dun c it anymore? SHIT!! Dun tell me no more already? Huh?! I was waiting 4 sales lor... Tdy is Mango 10% discount storewide, how come no more? Dun tell me sold out again? Shit! Really freak me out mann... I was so disappointed. Haiz.. However, CENTREPOINT hit my head -> so I went there, PHEW!!! I found it! But... How come only left with L, XL, M only? I rmb I tried XS tat time, dun tell me no more size? HUH?! Still tot I found tat jacket, yet no more of my size? Damn it mann... the stupid salegal @ 1st dun even wana check 4 me lor - just say all displayed out already. I dun wan another disappointment! Looking at the sizes again -> suddenly a lady put back the jacket to the shelf -> PHEW!!! She tried the S one. Lucky mann!! Or else I will miss it again! Although it’s S, not XS, I think the difference is not that great rite? Just abit loose lah! But still ok! Damon (he went with me) also found it ok lah. Aiya… since I like it so much -> better buy mann or else I will end up missing it. Although abit heartache -> just treat it as a self-treat lor – so long nv shop already! (Somemore must thanks Edmund 4 telling me tat my pay cheque is out already! Haha…) I think this taught me a lesson – sometimes if I really like that item very much, better dun risk it but just buy it if the price is justifiable. Well… I’m very happy oso -> Besides buying my long-waited-jacket, I also bot a very cute journal (actually I had a hard time choosing the best one ok?!) Finally finished all my shopping, I brot Damon to the HK CAFÉ @ Katong road there – must thank him 4 accompanying me mann… I was still fine with him up till he left my house! ~ Cuz this is my 1st time changing the ink cartridge, I dunno how n tot it might be difficult. Asked him & “VERY NICE of him” to initiate to do it 4 me when he sent me home. I was so stupid n dumb-S enuff 2 say “OK”! Actually I tot of installing on my own, but when I kept asking him how n the difficulties level, he just refused to say how, but said quite difficult if u haven’t put before. But after seeing how he put it, OMG! I felt so cheated! It’s damn EASY, n the there’s instruction inside the cartridge! SHIT! Feel so damn disguised of him now! Luckily I was still not a total Dumb-S, I brot out my printer to the living room instead of letting him into my room. WHAT A LAME, STUPID, CUNNING, DISGUISTING EXCUSE 2 come up 2 my hse mann? I’m so DISGUTISED!!! Why m I so gullible & stupid also? Haiz… Actually I only feel so bad after chatting with Edmund (Fei-Zai, Fat boy in Canto), haiz… not because Fai-Zai likes me & telling me all his opinions, but seriously I do agree with him. And probably subconsciously I’m comparing him with damon, I found that Fei-Zai is really kind at heart and think at my interest. I guess this time round I wun be making much wrong judgment about him cuz I can really see the difference in him n damon. He will tell me wad’s right & wrong, encourage me - 2 boost my self-esteem. I feel very comfortable in chatting with him (esp recently). Despite I have rejected his confession, he still treat me so nice – help me print notes in office (sneakily), support me and listen to my complaints and all… Oh no! Dun tell me I’m falling for him?! Perhaps his inner beauty has ”touched” me?! Unfortunately, I dun think we 2 R possible. Not saying that I’m very particular on appearance, but I guess it’s still one minor factor 4 my criteria. But another thing is that – his education level, I dun mind having one who is lower than me (just like dear – only an “o” cert holder), I just dun really like to keep explaining some words or concepts and all whenever I was trying to share my tots – abit disrupting, u noe?! I dunno lah! I think I’m starting to like him (as someone who can share my emotions & decision maker), but I still think we 2 wun be possible lah! Too many factors already! Even he himself oso think he’s too big size 4 me. So… Mayb it’ll be better if we just stay as fwenz lah! But now I really dunno how 2 face damon, really feel very irritated with him 4 cheating me. I have no right 2 be angry with him cuz of my stupidity, I really cant expect him to have such bad motive! ~ (Conclusion by Fei-Zai & Moi) I mean what’s so difficult to just explain how to change the cartridge? If he’s really good at heart, he can always explain 2 me 1st, if I still dunno how, then he can suggest to help me to do so. I meant I have also asked him how to change, the fact tat he refused to tell me n bluff me that it’s quite difficult, this is clear enough that he wana use this as an excuse to come up 2 my hse (I suspect he even wana come to my room, luckily I din invite him mann!) I mean even knowing him more than a year, I think I still cant trust pple so easily! Why m I so gullible n simple-minded? So stupid n easy-target for “corn-man”! How can I change such weakness? I really cant afford to get cheated again – after so many lessons, seem very much I’ve forgotten them / hvn learn my lessons yet. Haiz… “Why m I such a LOSER?”

YEAH!! DEAR is BACKED!! “YEAH! Dunit to bother with damon they all already. =) CuZ I’ve dear by my side. Suitors mean nothing 2 me anymore!” Feel like a xin-fu-xiao-nu-ren! (= Fortunate & Lucky woman) But I realized it was just my dream despite it felt so real! ~ “ Actually my feelings 4 u hvn changed. I still love u!” dear told me tat n I was so happy! So glad to be with him again. I’m free from all the insecurities, loneliness and uncertainties! I feel so delighted tat I’ve no words to describe tat moment of joy! But eventually, I realized tat was just my dream (last nite). Haiz... “DEAR! I REALLY MISS U! WHY CANT U BE BACKED WITH ME?!” Thinking of being backed together with him, all the fun n happy memories tat I will never forget. All the hugs & kisses, teasing and jokes... Really feel so great! I can’t imagine myself doing the same with anyone else. I think he’s the only one whom I can be so passionate & soft & weak & comfortable. The spacious & comfortable car tat he always drove me around with, to almost the whole SG to eat all the good food. Really find myself very bu-zen-qi, Y does my wt fluctuate so easily & much? If it’s not cuz of the wt problem, I guess both of us hv one huge barrier less. Really regret 4 not cherishing the good time n opportunities tat I’d. 4 the very 1st & last time, he was so furious & frustrated tat he threw his anger at me. I was so terrified tat I din even dare to speak a word, & my tears just dropped à which made me even more irritated cuz my tears embarrassed him. I have no idea how 2 control also, I was so terrified tat I have no idea wad to do, n my fear just released as tears. “u R the 1st person whom made me lost my appetite 4 the very 1st time!” He just drove me home without even eating half of the congee. I felt so bad! I just kept quiet and hope 4 the better. But I rmb he was really mad at me tat he din even tok to me on the way home. Sorry dear! I din mean to cause u so mad. But I was really very full -> had no appetite. Haiz... everytime he eat while I have no appetite to eat cuz I scare I will gain wt to eat at such weird hours. Cuz he always have irregular eating hours cuz of his irregular working hours. So poor thing! I wish I could have such irregular working hours -> so busy tat I can forget eating. Now I kinda have a typical eating style -> eat a lot during breakfast & dun eat 4 the rest of the day. U might think it’s a good habit cuz breakfast is the most impt meal of the day. But sometimes I realized I’m no longer the szeman in the past, which will only eat when I’m hungry. Every morny I tend to eat cuz I’m so used 2 eat in the monry - right after I wake up. And I’m so greedy tat I will eat till super bloated then I’ll stop. Eating with the company of a TV isn’t reallu a good thing besides helping me to feel less lonely while eating alone. Cuz I will tend to munch n eat more than wad I shld be eating. And without much self-discipline, I will be easily tempted to eat again in sch, cuz I’m bored? Tired? Lack of zzz? Haiz... HOW? Lidat how to effectively execute my diet plan? After this art fest, I tot I would lose wt or at least maintain my (satisfied) wt, but always the opposite happened. Worst, with many surprises, I actually gained 3kg since sch starts. OMG! And now I’m like eating so much more, so hard 2 reduce my appetite cuz I’m so used to it. Somemore I wana save $, so tend to be more greedy whenever there’s free food. Or even I feel kinda full, I will just finish it cuz I dun wana waste $. @ 1st I tot this “save-$” strategy is a good way 4 me to jian-fei, but apparently not! I tend to gain more wt if I keep thinking of that. Haiz... think I can only effectively lost wt if I go back to saffron hill again. Eveyrtime I will lose wt when I work there. Guess it’s cuz I’m so busy there, tat I dun even noe how 2 feel hungry. Dun care! Must be determined & strong à must reach my target of losing 3kgs!!! JIA YOU!!!

CONFESSION Whao.. It’s Fri again. Everyone must be looking forward to a nice weekend again. But for me?! Hmmm…. I’m more interested in tmr’s concert @ Explanade à Little Dance Exchange concert. But…. Haiz… wad a disappointment?! Big Nic (Current president of eMIX) has totally forgotten about it, she forgot to get tix from Gerry (OSL) oso.. And all of us thot it’s supposed to be tmr, but actually it’s to9! Wad a waste! Nevertheless, to9 I finally watched a movie aft so long (Almost a month; the last movie I watched was “MUST LOVE DOG”). If it’s not cuz of the expiry of the movie vouchers, I wouldn’t watch yday and with Damon. Wad to do?! No one watch with me mah! Unlike last time, Dear n I watched movie like watch TV. We watched almost every single show mann… so fun! Haha… really miss those times. I still hv the stack of movie stucks with me as proof! Actually I wanted to watch THE Cave, but the show time is like 7pm (the last show ydae) but eventually, THE MYTH wasn’t as bad as wad Edmund’s fwen commented. Just tat probably cuz we sat at the 3rd row, and I hvn been watching movie 4 so long, kinda had headache after watching. But oso cuz I was very tired ydae. I din even have mood 4 intro hip-hop class,. Guess I hvn really recovered from “SCREAM” (ART FEST 2005) yet. I even fell asleep after class tdy. I din even noe my fwen was taping my shoulders à really felt like a PIG mann.. On our way home, suddenly sth happened… ”Nat, can I ask u sth? Regarding to ur email last nite, wad do u mean by feeling uneasy?” OMG! Y did he suddenly ask tat? Aiyo… isn’t tat means he is gonna confess to me? How? Wad shld I say? How shld I react? Or issit tat I sent out the email at the wrong time?! Still to the din mention anythg in the email reply = he just understood my hint! Why is he so dumb?! -> must bring it up n clarify?! U DumBO!!! OKOK! Just stay calmed! “Erm…..” Giggled (as usual) then just explained to him tat I’m not ready and all… wanted to tell him I’m not ready for a new relationship cuz of dear, then he is so “SMART” enough 2 cut me à “Ya! I understand! I oso noe u R not ready 4 it yet, u R so busy!” Oh mann.. Y cant u speak aft I explained? ACT smart only! Lidat wad to do? I can only agree with him -> thou tat reason is oso true lah! But mainly due 2 dear, tat’s Y I kept myself so busy, n therefore, I’ve no time 4 all those thgs! Anyway, c him everyday in sch -> already Sianz enough! Still get into relationship with him?! No way mann.. it’s so boring lah! I dun think I want 2 (at least 4 now)! I can’t adjust myself to c him as my BF in sch n after sch. Think really a person cant play 2 roles! Anyway, luckily he oso added, ‘I start liking u, but of cos, I dun expect anythg from u!” I noe his good intention, n I appreciated tat! Even thou now I dun really hv many fwenz, n apparently, all my good fwenz R somewhr else (not in SMU), so hard to c them. Even when I c chin & jane @ saffron, seems like we dun hv much common topic to tok abt. Instead, I feel more n more distant from them. This is really bad! I feel so sad n pity abt our fwenship! But weirdly enough, despite Chun Jing n I R so far apart & the time we spent with each other is even so much shorter than the rest, I still feel very strongly abt our fwenship. Mayb cuz she felt the same as me bah?! Always think tat chun n I R so comical -> started off as enemy, ended up as best fwen. Issit always the case?! Seems like most of my cases R lidat! Well! Also good lah! He finally confessed, so both of us dun hv to kip guessing and all. n luckily I added in the email à pls joke more n feel free 2 tease me at anytime. He seems like laughing at my words n stuffs more. Tat’s so much better! At least the situation n so much lightened! He found it very funny to end the topic lidat! I guess it’s a happy ending tat no one feels awkward anymore! N I can still get free lunch from him since he claimed that his feelings 4 me wun change! (haha.. evil hearted rite?!) Let’s c how long can his feelings last mann… haha.. Actually, I dun thk we can b tgr lah! I thk I’m not suitable 4 him n vice versa! Must be cuz he hasn’t c the bad side of me yet, tat’s Y he’s blind now -> kip praising my dressing sense and all (but I must admit I do have great fashion sense- I think). On the other hand, having such a support n encouragement by my side, I do feel less lonely n much more positive in Life (in SMU), at least I hv someone to listen to my complaints mah! Okok! I dun always take advantages of him hor -> sometimes I oso treat him lunch or wad -> sort of like take turns one! SO we R actually very good fwen lah! Now just hope tat he’ll joke or laugh at me more -> so both of us wun feel tat awkward afterall. I believe many pple must be thinking tat we R a couple, but we R not! Really dunno how to clarify my Status mann.. Mayb shld just LET nature takes its course! Mayb if this love-thingy dun comes to me will be even better -> less headache! Like tat time, suddenly all 3 came at the same time, really dunno how to handle mann!! Now I must be a very good gal -> study hard n improve my GPA! (prove 2 nora they all tat despite I’m in the emix exco, I can still handle all the stress n time-mgmt!)

What's wrong with myself tdy? i thought i was ok?! i was peacefully studying - only that i was abit tired - prob slept too much? (but it's only 8 hours!) i guess it must be cuz of the "lack-of-zzz" from the past 2 weeks. Everyday is dance practice n practice n practice for tmr art fest. practised so hard yet cant perform well on stage. wad's the point? i can dance properly n in fact, satisfactory during our practices. but Y everytime we on stage, i just cant dance properly? issit cuz i'm really tat nervous? i dunno?! i dun feel nervous until they said so. i just feel tat i lost focus whenever i perform. i have no idea y issit so. can someone tell me why? tdy i msg adrian, cuz my mum asked me abt borrowing the vcd (jin-zhi-yu-ye). he just replied "not possible". y must u be so harsh n blunt with me? but i guess i shld thank him 4 replying me msg rite?! mayb cuz of this issue - i feel kinda disturbed and cant perform properly. i really have no idea wad's wrong with me?! just now wen i was gg home, i oso dunno y i just cant stop thinking of him. i was imagining him bringing me to all the different places - like when 16 passed by indoor stadium, then i tot of him bringing me to just stroll there.. n spending time tgr! i really miss u, adrian! i guess i still love u as much! y cant u just give me another chance but have to be so mean to me? u really hate me so much? i cant 4get the time we have tgr. i really hope u can b beside me n comfort me now. i feel very lost n lonely. i just feel very tired; left with nobody. i wana to have someone there to sa-jiao, someone there to pamper me, to fetch me here n there; go yum-cha tgr; watch movies and all... i really really miss u very much! suddenly i feel tat i hv very LOW self-esteem. i hv no confidence in myself. Y? m i tat lousy? how come i feel tat nobody likes me, esp in sch now?! m i tat diff from the emix gals? how come i feel so different from them n like cant blend into them lidat?! surely i wun be able to get the VP post anyway, with my low self-esteem. haiz... Y m i so lousy?! always so weak? everyone is worrying abt me -> wad's wrong? i appreciate those care & concerns, but Y m i making every1 to worry abt me? cuz i cant take care of myself? i feel so useless n helpless. i hv no one to turn to; unlike in the past, i can tell dear straight and he will just comfort me in a guidance manner. i feel so much stronger n confident with him around. now wad happen to me mann? isit cuz like that i kept myself so busy so i wun think of him? i just kept myself busy 4 no reason. seems like i'm neglecting my studies again. everyone is like telling me tat his reason 4 dumping me is just to make it sound nice. but i still think that he was telling me the truth. i believe in him - he is not tat sort of play-play-only kind of guy. anyway, jimmy oso said he is a nice guy, jimmy will not lie 2 me anyway. just now my morale was so low - have no idea i stuck wen i'm on stage. just burst lidat. mayb cuz of mood-swing? headache? this few days i ate alot - cuz everyone is like saying that i look very pale & like lost wt lidat. somemore everyday dance practice - made me ate more also. christine (QM) was like so shocked that i gain wt despite i dance, cuz she lost 3kg wen she danced. i tot i was just gaining muscles, but seems like my wt just increasing n increasing tgr with my appetite... i dun wana gain wt anymore. think it's so hard to return to the amt i ate when i was working mann... think i nit to go back to saffron hill then can lose wt... so sad!!!!!!!!!!!! think aft tmr - art fest, my appetite will remain as high but metabolic rate will decrease - so will gain more wt! sianz... think i must learn to eat less again. prob use save $ as a good guide 4 tat. Haiz... now recently i feel so negative n all - i think i'm still very distant from the rest of the emix exco leh. dunno y is my mentality so low, i feel stupid n slow when i'm with them. how come they can dance with such style but i cant? it shldnt b the case wad?! all of us are same age, just that they have dance background & experiences. But i oso have performace experiences, how can i b so screwed up? anyway, now i'm taking 4 modules, i shld be able to cope better n do well in my studies. issit cuz i'm too stress n tired? tat's Y i'm so inefficient? seems like everyone has no confiendence in me but worries abt me. Rmb on thurs rehearsal, everyone asked me wad happen, i felt so small suddenly. perhaps it's really cuz my "Japanese Aunt" just visited me, tat's Y i looked so pale. n tat's Y i've all these mood swing and uncertainties. still tot of participating with them in the biotherm opening ceremony, but i think they will probably not put me in since time constraint is a factor & my speed of learning is slow. haiz... practised so many times still cant make it, sometimes i'm really very frustrated with myself. Y m i so timid n retarded? so not-well-liked by pple? dunno how to socialise? so lousy in everything... WHY??? i just feel tat i worth nothing. now i dun even feel like doing anythg - but just to slack... (having in mind tat i've 2 presentations & 1 test this week...) i'm still so blur in my marketing presentation lor.. feel so damn bad 4 being a slepping member now! i really dunno how leh... my dark-circles make me look so damn haggered. i dun wan. so ugly n make everyone to worry abt me again. how can i b strong again? i feel very soft n weak! =( can someone come n sayang me? somemore chun jing left already - actually last nite wen i tot of her leaving, i really felt like crying n very sentimental. too bad - i cant really chat with her n tok to her much cuz teddy n her parents are around. esp her mum - actually i wana tok to her, but gotta tok to her mum, so dun really have much time to tok to her. actually i wasn't really that shocked abt her double eye-lid plastic surgery, mayb i was too tired?! but she looks different lah. wad to do? eye is the window of soul wad?! i dunno how to tell the rest of the 208 anyway. i saw her plastic spects - actually i wana buy 4 quite sometime already, dunno shld buy or not?! dun really like to wear spects leh.. if were to b spoilt-brag : i will prob go n get one; but think again : lo-dou now jobless, shldnt spend so much $ unnecessarily, thou he said ok. i oso wana buy alot of thgs - like hp, the jacket i saw in mango ($99 -> thinking of buying during end of yr sales), laptop... aiya.. actually i kinda wana buy alot of things, but i guess i'm too tired to have the mood to go out n have fun already. despite all the wants, i dun have mood n $. how i wish dear is with me now?! den have someone to YANG me... so nice n sweet!!! can eat good food n get new stuffs without spending my own $. Wad to do?! now can only eat bread (cheap food) n dun buy anythg lor. but cuz of cost-saving --> tend to be very greedy and eventually even more than my usual portion; which will gain more wt! Wad shall i do? how to learn to control mann?! haiz.. so lousy n self-discipline oso... dunno why leh?! mayb writing dairy helps? or cuz of the sad moments have passed? i feel much better now! think i shall write more rather than having it to be a frozen account. anyway, i din really tell many pple of my blog, so not really alot of pple will be able to find me! haha...