CHINESE NEW YEAR 2006 Eve What an eve that I still have (stats) class in the morny?! Haiz.. Being so unprepared 4 the presentation, yet we went rather smoothly (no questions from the floor & received compliment from the prof). Cool isn’t it? I knew that I couldn’t study after I reached home – cuz my mum is around & I was so tired from the nite b4… so I tried to studied abit in school, until I realized I just feel like zzz… so after I went back. As expected, I couldn’t study but ended up gorging myself with all the junks & packing my room… This is really a HUGE/MAJOR SPRING CLEANING!!! I wiped all my cupboards, tables; mirrors… threw away all the junks… all the way the moment after I ate till 3.30am (with still something unpacked)… no wonder I could zzz like a PIG once I lied on my bed! Day 1 After waking up 4 just a short while, my mum was like bugging me 2 eat her cooking (vegetarian dishes), my stomach hadn’t even feel anything, and she is like rushing me 2 get out of my bed 2 eat… all cuz of my dad – I couldn’t be letting them 2 wait 4 me any longer (I don’t feel good and my mum would simply nag even more if I do so), so I just dragged myself out of the bed, bearing all the muscles ache I had from the major “construction” I had yesterday. What a “plain” dish this time as compared 2 last nite “saltish” one?! It’s so nice 2 eat the “vegetarian” dishes – dried beancurd skin, mushrooms… how I wish my mum can cook this dish more often?! Then as usual – our annual CNY Routine, we did all our “Bai-Nian” via the phone, then we went 4 our movie – FEARLESS by Jet Li. After that, we took a stroll @ Angbow river and then returned home. Of cuz, we won’t go miss our stop at Raffles City (the retails from China). Initially we didn’t intend to buy anything cuz I passed by b4 and found that nothing much this year, unexpectedly, we still bot something. But cuz my Dad was rather grumpy 4 us shopping & making him 2 wait with empty stomach, we went home rather soon after his complaints of us spending an hour there. after homed, my mum heated up the remaining Vegie, but with a bloated stomach – I couldn’t eat anymore! Though today passed rather fast, but I was rather happy, especially when I talked 2 my grandma & nanny… feel strongly about the sense of closeness & warmth. How I wish I could spend my CNY with them?!

Day 2

I woke up rather early today cuz I thought we were gg 2 pray @ temple this morny ~ all cuz of last nite reading about my luck this year… what a demoralizing thing to learn from? My luck in all aspects would be very poor – nothing good (not even average), thus we thought we should visit the temple and hope to pray a “FU” 4 better luck, at least a form of protection (from all the bad luck). Actually I was very turned off after reading the “prediction” cuz I thot this year I could do better in my studies (at least), but things seem to be the other way around – everything will not be smooth 4 me this year, I really wonder when can my luck be backed?! I have been bearing this misfortune 4 so long – really getting sick of it. Worst, seem like my wish / hope is always turn down! I guess I better don’t wish 4 anything already or I would just end up with more disappointment! However, my mum suggested 2 go tmr due to time constraint, since we have YUM-CHA appointment booked at 1.30pm. Well… Finally, it has been more than half-a-year I’ve been going 4 yum-cha already (ever since I broke up with dear). Really very excited about the DIM-SUM, especially my favorite (must have) – CHAR SIEW PAO & EGG TARTS. What a craving that I’ve longed 4 long long time?! Finally I’ve satisfied it with a bloated stomach (AGAIN!)! Actually, when I was stepping into the restaurant, I was hoping 2 c dear (if possible), but seem like our “YUAN” has left with zero, don’t really see him as often as b4; not even his car @ Shenton Way; really miss him mann… After a very “RUSH & HASTY” meal, we took a long & slow stroll @ DFS. Surprisingly, there were many tourists today. And my mum like a handbag (DKNY), she was like convincing herself that it’s a worth-2-buy bag; kept talking about that bag non-stop, I was rather annoyed after hearing all self-answered questions from her. Then, there come our racing again – rushed down to cineleisure 4 our 2nd movie – Memoirs of a Geisha. Phew! We didn’t miss any part! But cuz my dad didn’t got into the lift with us (cuz overloaded), and making my mum to run up n down, she was rather pissed with my dad… *sigh!* even dinner, my mum also very short-tempered, without much patience, she just reject all my idea 4 possible places 4 dinner. Eventually my dad chose 2 dine at the Japanese fast food restaurant @ the basement; while we just grabbed something from the soya bean stall opposite. As I was queuing 4 my dad’s dinner, I turned around and look @ them, what a painful scene 2 witness by my eyes – they were sitting opposite each other, yet behaving like complete stranger, looking around @ different direction and remaining total silent while waiting. I really feel very helpless 2 c them this way. This few days, my mum kept taking me 4 granted - making me 2 b her messager just 4 the reason (2 be true – should be EXCUSES) that my dad listens 2 me instead of her. But I would just reject her request but make her talk 2 him on her own. I really hope that their communication can be improved, or I would be just be the helpless one watching them getting more n more drifted apart! This is such a hurtful thing to see! *Sigh*

Day 3

Whao!!! SHOPPING SPREEEeee....

Finally! haha.... Well! today schedule was supposed to be going 2 Guan-Ying-Miao (chinese temple) to pray 4 "Qian" since my luck 4 this year is so poor, @ the same time 2 pray 4 good luck; then go Taka to buy the hot-water boiler & finally head down 2 China Town 2 look @ those Bazaa... BUT... plan always changed!

We went 4 prayer @ chinese temple, but din get any Qian cuz too crowded already! & i even got "burnt" by the "dust" from the joss sticks [by someone else's] ~ so painful!

Then, we headed down 2 Taka, but instead of buying merely the flask, we bought many other things as well... my mum initially wanted 2 buy the pandent from the Chinese Scrulpture (Pear & Orange - green in color). But i just don't find it that attractive, and i feel that it's none other than a typical jewellery 4 matching clothes, but not something with great values (life-long), thus, i was rather hesitated with buying that, cuz i know that gift will b considered as my [belate] Bday Gift, so i better choose carefully (since this is my 21st bday gift).

Eventually, i chose 2 pandants (with necklaces) from Swaroski (on sale). Initially, my dad spotted one very nice, unfortunately, that's only for members, so we couldn't buy that. Haiz... what a waste?! But nvm! At least i've got 2 now, and they are both very nice as well... my mum also got a ring which is very nice. Think she must be very happy, cuz finally Dad is like buying something 4 her (but that must thanks 2 me as well cuz it's me who persuaded him to buy , since she always complained that my dad never buy anythg 4 her)!

Of cos, my mum & i also shared in buying 2 [polo tee] shirts for my dad, since his shirts are so old, and his poor taste, it's really time 4 us to get him sth. So @ the end, all of us have sth backed!!! What a happy day?!

However, cuz we were carrying too many Barang-Barang, so we missed out last stop - China Town... Nvm! Cuz we R going there tomorrow evening!

So do i look more like my dad / my mum?

To be LATE… or Being LATE ?! I understand that nobody like to be late n make the other party to wait. But I don’t think that is a valid reason for the same peer to scold u n “humiliate” u in front of everyone via a 3rd party’s cell phone! WHAT the …? Today I was late for dance class, but I have already told Daniel (the instructor), yet I have no idea why he still call her (president) where he has my no. already – such an idiot! Then she was like questioning me, “How come nobody is in class? I thought I’ve told u to meet earlier? Last lesson also late (where I dun remember I was the late one!)! It’s not very nice … blah blah… I mean I admit it’s my fault that I was late, but I already ran like filming movie – ran all the way from the mrt stop btwn Funan & Raffles City there 2 admin bldg. at 1st I still think I’m running pretty fast, but only until later I realized that my speed was like slowing down till even the pedestrians could even walk faster than me… I think I’m really lack of exercise & stamina... Finally I saw the few of them were waiting 4 me across the street, at 1st I saw them laughing @ me, thought it’s still ok, but actually this Daniel was rather pissed with the waiting, and he actually called up Mich… no wonder she called me and msg me… Just b4 we started class, she actually called up again, and so stupid of her – using his hp to “talk” 2 me. I was so pissed that I wanted 2 just shout back @ her, but I think remaining silence is the best n only thing I could do at that time, so I just replied her “orh!” and just hoping tat she could stop all her nagging ASAP! I felt it’s just embarrassing to listen 2 her nagging in front of everyone, with Daniel’s hp! She really left me nowhere to stand! I don’t how 2 earn respect from others anymore! Cuz of this, I didn’t enjoy my class despite today was more exciting than the previous one. I felt so bad and guilty 4 the rest of them, especially I realized that he didn’t compensate 4 the time we missed (he ended at 5.40pm)… what a stingy man he is?! Haiz… I apologized to them, all of them could understand me tat I just got scolded from her… (Felt quite relieved at least! Phew!) wanting so badly to share with them how I feel, yet on the other hand, it’s not that nice to let everyone 2 know – as in this will affect their impression of her, which is not fair. But I believed tat those closer ones would understand how I feel… just like Baikun said, “It’s ok! You’ve made arrangement; this kind of thing is inevitable one mah! If she wana find u, ask her to find me 1st lah!” Wah!!! I felt so great 2 know that there R people supporting me! J After such a horrible day, I was “compensated” with a wonderful nite! I went 2 the Jap restaurant with Damon, supposedly 2 have Sabu-Sabu 4 dinner @ Great World City but cuz I was so tempted with the BBQ, so we had a meaty BBQ dinner! And surprisingly, we were such a big eater just now and we finished all the dishes… OMG!!! Die! Confirm gain weight mann… Haiz… sianz… Then, we went China Town 4 a walk… hmm… so yummy 2 the curry fish balls and “egg-waffle”(HK snacks)! But too bad – I was too full to consume anymore things! What a pity?! Should have just come straight from my pencil-box purchase & munch with all these delights! But of cos, I didn’t regret of having such a delicious dinner!

HOPELESS in 2006

I really think this year is one of the worst year so far. So many bad things happened on me this few days, or even just today… Went to work 4 CLT while I skipped my stats class, but at the end it was not that worth it cuz very few pple turned up tdy. And tmr I’ve to do screening the whole day – still thot I can escape from screening, but I was wrong! Stats – had 2 form project group, and the stupid prof didn’t allow us to sign 4 friends, so I’ve no group now! And next week got CLT again, I don’t know if I can still do or not! I want to do, but I abit worried about skipping stats class again! really don’t know how?! After work – so tired and as usual, I slept on the bus. After I alighted the bus – OH SHIT!!! I DROPPED my ONLY cell phone on the BUS, and when I noticed it, the bus has just left. I hurried up caught 16 (the bus approaching the bus stop), trying to chase that bus (cuz it’s always better than my personal bus 11) – alighted at the bus stop yet the bus 196 left before I could catch it. Luckily 16 managed to go ahead of 196, so I ran up 196 and trying to find it. OH MY GOSH! There’s nothing on the bus! I was so tensed that I nearly burst. I mean that’s my only HP already – I just “lost” my previous HP, I can’t afford to lose another one. Then the bus driver ran up and told me that the couple who dropped at the 2 bus stops before that, he told them to report to the police station. So I dashed down the bus and ran to the bus stop opposite – hoping that I can catch them before reported to the police. Looking high n low, I saw nothing at that bus stop (St. Patrick), I was thinking what should I do?! I really panicked till I just about to burst. Cuz I remembered the lady on the bus said 2 guys (or 1 guy 1 girl) took my phone. My heart was pumping so fast, and tones of “Will they…?” questions started to clog my head…. “Will they keep the phone to themselves? Will they not report to the police station now but report another day? Will they just anyhow use my phone to make phone call? Will they…?” I just can’t stop thinking… Then I was looking a couple walking down the overhead bridge – seemed like holding a flip phone. I was waiting 4 them to come down, and… PHEWww..!!! It’s them! They were the one! Heng mann… If they were not the one, I guessed I would just “break down” in the middle of the street mann… After settling this problem, another rose again once I stepping into my house… Everytime when I stepped into my house, my mum (if she were to be sitting at the living room) would just turned her head 45 degrees and stared at me, and her head will just followed whichever direction I move to. Together with her spectacles, her stare just made me feel so uneasy – I just felt like I’m an alien from outer space. I don’t know why I would feel this way also. And cuz of this trivial matter, she scolded me just now. I admitted that I was abit harsh in my tone when I told her not to stare at me that way, but that’s mainly cuz I haven’t fully cooled down from my bus-phone-chase yet. That’s Y I was kinda short-tempered. Plus lately things not going smoothly 4 me, I really wonder what’s wrong with me? Is it cuz this year my zodiac is bad luck this year? I really can’t believe that my days have not been good 4 once since beginning school started. Like yesterday, I was so stressed out about my finance prof. Cuz I went out 4 a drink with Jason (Loo), and he told me that my finance prof is one of the slack prof he ever seen in my school. Worst, his exams are tough, marking is not lenient, high expectation in project, especially impromptu question-answering during presentation. Since he’s so slack, I will need to put in super lot of (101%) effort to do well. He is such a bad prof till many students who intended to major in finance at the beginning, also changed their minds after taken finance under him. I really freaked out after hearing that. The dilemma now is that I don’t know if I should re-bid again or not?! I’m worried that I might not get finance this sem if I do so, even I get it, then what about my friend? I bided this module with her, and I’ve already formed my group, so… kinda reluctant to change class. I was struggling in my decision making – whether to re-bid or not?! Cuz I’ve only 1.5 hour to decide. But since I didn’t have any internet access 4 me to log into BOSS, so I missed the closing time and I guessed I would just study as hard as possible. My only concern now is that I don’t know if my stamina can last throughout the whole term or not?! – Just hope so lah! Haiz… So u see… there are too many unhappy things going on lately, so many tasks due before/ on/ close to my birthday: Mon (16th - actual day) à have to finish reading ethics Tues (17th) à no class, but finance homework due date Wed (18th) à resume & cover letter due for FT, but since this will take up so much time to do a good one, so I supposed I’ll just have to “PIA” all the way on Tues (before dinner celebration with 208) – Just hope that I can finish it on time lah! Or else I really have no idea what I should do mann?! Haiz… what a horrible week. And on actual day, I still have to attend the scariest lesson – ethics lor… and till now, I stil don’t have anyone lunch appointment on Mon yet, but I supposed I’ll just stay at the library reading the text of ethics mann… Sianz…. May be that’s good in some way, so I won’t be expecting so much 4 my birthday – and won’t end up with disappointment?! Haha… (what a way to self-console?)

rejection... loneliness... disappointment... insecurity... stupid... tension... peer pressure... competitiveness... unhappiness... boredom... useless...

this is what i'm feeling now! i know my life never seems good - 4 - long! in fact, i think i never feel happy 4 long also... and it's getting from bad to worst as time goes on... i'm like just keep losing things that are closed to me and get myself unhappiness in return... Detriment? Retribution? - i dunno either?! perhaps, it's just my luck is dying... 1) mobile phone's LCD screen just blanked; and it costs $ 185 to repair the screen only. But my concern is the memorable value of this phone - it's my 1st gift from dearie. Still rmb he gave me at Swisshotel, kept inside the safe, trying to get me 2 find it on my own. And the 1st picture is taken from the balcony - the top view of explanade & the picture of me wearing the pink dress, holding the 1st & last bouquet of flowers that he gave me... the few pictures that we took tgr at his office... now i can't even c any of them. 2) after attending the [ethics] class yday, i felt horrified & super pressured. the prof is so intimidating - he's like calling upon everyone to answer his qnz in class, and he'll called [especially] those who were not paying attention to him. i was trying to pay 101% attention in his whole 3 hour class - feel so stressed! but at the same time, i just feel that i'm unlikely going to do well this sem already! after attending all my 1st class this sem, it's either the peers who are taking the modules / expectation & standard of the modules, i just have a very bad feeling i won't be able to outperform the others. and now i really need to score extremely well to pull up my accumulated GPA. i have no idea how m i gonna do that!? 3) in relation to the above, i somehow feel that i won't be able to get a good paying job in future since my results are so poor still, i'm "worthless" in the market! i dun (and won't) get honors, having only ONE [common] major - marketing. my incapablility and "slowness" won't bring me far also. and without much (or even any) good point / achievement about myself, i really have no idea how will i survive in future? i just feel that i'm a complete useless person. 4) my dance club also exerting pressure on me: they wan me to return to the intro hip-hip (beginner class) despite now i'm attending both regular (performing team) & intro hip-hop class. i just feel that it's more of a political issue than all the other "reasons" (excuses) that they were saying, trying to brain-wash me. especially the way that mich approached me, or should i said she just said that in front of the rest of the exco? plus the way she put it sounded that she has already made that decision, and just waiting 4 me to say YES! despite she said it's my choice to choose to continue this way / just return to intro hip-hop. actually i have nothing against attending intro, just that i dun really like the way she conveyed her msg. and worst, she still continued to talk to me MORE abt this issue where we have decided to let me have some time to think about it. i noe where my standard is - still quite far from the rest of the class, but they were like saying that my main [and only] reason 4 attending both classes is 4 bonding, and now bonding is no longer necessary, so i should "return home". then Nic (out of concern) was trying to tell me abt where they come from, i noe her kindness of talking to me on this, but i just don't want to continue this topic b4 i've digested the whole "decision". i believe now i've no say at all since all of them are like "psycho-ing" me. i guess i can only accept. actually i just feel that i've nth to contribute and dunno how to blend into them so that we can work more smoothly. there's no chemistry in all of us at all, in particular, i have no chemistry and sense of belonging with anyone inside at all even thou i might be closer to vida n nic since i know them b4-hand. just feel kinda left-out and bored when i go 4 meeting. now if i'm withdrawn from regular class, i just feel that i'll be even further away from them. all their small little jokes and chit chats, gossips... it's just feel even worst lor! they dun c that it does help 4 me to attend regular class. i just somehow feel like giving up on them and the club suddenly. there dun seem to have much incentive 4 me to contribute like that. 5) one of the BIG thing happened - louis used mind-game to "play" me out. i feel so damn cheated and stupid 4 me to show sympathy and feel bad of receiving all his "kindness & sincerity". and now i'm even more disguisted with him as he's like trying to gain sympathy from me, sweet talking & behave as if he's very pitiful, regret 4 what he've done. i just feel so SICK 4 all his actions. just don't feel like talking to him at all - i also dunno why!? i thk he worthes a peanut 4 me to consider. but i have decided tat he have to learn a lesson, and i shall be the "teacher" this time... 6) everythg just all happened b4 my 21st birthday, in fact, at the very beginning, i already feel quite neutral about my bday this year, despite it should be a BIG bday. but come and think abt it, i've no expectation from anyone at all. there's no incentives / excitment 4 me to look fwd to next monday even. seems like it'll just pass as none other than a normal dull school day! probably i will just feel even more lonely and bored. just now on my way home, tears just dripped down. i have no idea why m i so negative suddenly. but i just feel very down just now. just trying to think of someone to share my woes with - there's no one in my mind. seraching high n low from my brain, alot of faces went through my mind like falshes, but none of them stopped. the only one whom i possibly feel very much to talk to is dear, but it's impossible now. thus, the sudden loneliness filled my heart with more sourish sore. m i tat unlucky? y do i keep feeling this ever since dear left me? or issit after i enrolled to uni?

What a wonderful nite of New Year Eve of 2006?! Joyce, Chin, Qing & I (with Joyce’s parents) went 2 Explanade to view the fireworks. It was so crowded, and that’s Y this is the disadvantage of being short – nearly “die” from suffocation. Even taking the video of the fireworks, the stupid kids in front of me was moving their heads – spoilt my video taking. The fireworks was so gorgeous, but I was so busy taking the video that I didn’t see it “in real”! What a miss?! But it’s all right; at least I can view it from my video. After squeezing out our way, we just hang around and took photos. But we didn’t stayed out too late cuz we all R rather tired – Chin windsurfed and I went to Orchid Country Club (at Yishun) 4 bowling (Damon’s family church New Year celebration) b4 that. Surprisingly, I won Damon for 4/5 games and I’ve got highest score I ever gotten (= 127)!!! Actually it’s also cuz we were too afraid of the people on the street – we were one of the victims who got sprayed on, it was disgusting! We were just walking around Clark Quay, trying to take more photos, yet those crazy ones just anyhow sprayed the foam on us, made us look like nuts! I felt quite bad for the guy (passerby), he was sprayed also while taking picture for us. I really think that those sprayers are damn irritating! Why don’t they spend their $ more wisely on something else, rather than buying all these dirty sprays and cause irritation from the street?! Really dumb and stupid!!! YUX!!! On our way back to Joyce’s house, suddenly a guy ahead of us asked me 2 make friends with his friend, I was so stunned and wondering what’s going on?! “Is it cuz I was talking too loud? They must be playing true or dare!” I didn’t know how to handle such situation (as usual), then Joyce they all hassled and left me so scared! I hurried n caught up with them and trying to run away from this group of guys, scaring enough, they followed us until we crossed the road, then we got rid of them. Then we slowly strolled to Joyce’s house with chips, drinks, teh-tak-reh and roti-prata. For the whole night, we kept ourselves occupied with “BRIDGE”. We played until we were so tired that all of us were like drunk – all talking nonsense, making so much noise and throwing cards anyhow. Haha… the funniest one is Zhuang, with her funny line, “Partner! Together we will win!” was “tricked” by my mistake of thinking that she was my partner for that game. After filling up our stomachs with all the junks – chips, peanuts, instant noodles (Zhuang n Joyce) and roti-prata (chin), and the brain-juice drained from BRIDGE, we finally zZz at 7+ am. Stupid Chin’s hp suddenly rang so many times in the morning (shld be afternn) that woke all of us up, but all of us were so lazy to switch it off so we were all staying in bed, hoping it will be off soon. After making so much noise for about 5-10 mins, finally it’s off… But awhile later, it started ringing again!!! “Oh my Gosh!!!” but luckily Chin switched it off, then I can zZz some more. But soon, everyone was up and we started our day with BRIDGE again… haha… we snacked with the remaining tibits we had, whereas I just gorged myself with as much fruits as possible, cuz I really ate too much junks, esp peanuts, last nite! Oh no… surely gonna gain weight! ~ Sianz… think I must go back to my healthy diet liao… Time passed really fast, we slowly changed and went to Bugis with Zhuang cuz she wana buy VCD. After that, we did something that we had not done for super duper long time - take Neo-Print. Without much notice, we actually spent an hour on it – esp for the deco. Unfortunately, we printed the smaller version ones, or else I think it’ll be very nice cuz we had so many deco…. (In fact is too many. Haha…) But never mind, we had fun! And so glad that Joyce is sticking one on her hp, so she will c us almost all the time! Haha... All I can say is that – I’d fun last nite and just hope that every year we can always celebrate New Year together!!!