Thursday, November 30, 2006
------------------------------------
today finally i'm more satisfied with myself:
1) studied non-stop since i got out of my bed [except after 7pm - bio-alarm for exercise!]
2) managed to resist from munching & getting into the deepest temptation (tou sa piah) --> but i ate my mum's green+red bean paste (dessert)
i must make this commitment to myself --> no more sugar except natural sugar! just hope that i can hold on to this for at least till my ideal weight is met! Help me mann...
today i lazy to run, so i danced at the end. i realized tat i'm much less energetic & "vigorous" than last time when i tried to lose weight. ~ i wonder why is there the inertia for me to dance?! -- getting old? or just lazy? or cuz now it's still the beginning of my weight loss journey?
despite i didn't sweat as much like in the past, my body muscles ache alittle now! Hope that's the signal for me that my workout is effective!
i feel really miserable & deep regret for NOT keeping my body in shape, NOW i have to SUFFER frm getting that back! i know HARDWORK has to be done, & it needs TIME ~ that's just testing my PATIENCE, DETERMINATION, DISCIPLINE & RESISITANCE to temptations. It'll be quite easy if i'm in "depression mode" or super busy till i have no time / mood to think about it [i.e. working @ SHR]. That's why i just hope that i'll be KEPT damn OCCUPIED this DEC & lose those fats unconsciously & effectively!
Pls grant me that WISH !!! BACK to IDEAL world (for me)!Labels: determination, patience, POWER = discipline, resistance
12:25 AM
ONE PIECE FEVER =D
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
------------------------------------
I've tried many ways to get myself back to study, but i just feel so distracted & always trying to do sth else to escape from studying! but on the other hand, i'm kinda worried about that i can't finish! i just feel that my heart no longer as focus as i used to be in the past as a student! i'm always thinking of sth else! what's wrong? i'm not in love, i'm not working, what is in my mind that keep me away from focusing? is it cuz my goal no more in scoring A but just want to get a decent grade by passing the subj? seems like i have no clear goal in me, but just keep on feeling frustrated with myself for doing things that i always regret after doing it [like eating junks]
What do i need? what can i do? what should i do? time is running out, and i don't have that sense of urgency! what's going on with me?
Still remember the last advertising presentation, i was so tensed that my whole body was shaking... i know that's not sth pleasant to happen, but i want that feeling, that sense of urgency, to be feared, to be scared, at least that can speed up my efficiency! But right now... i really don't know what to do beside complaining to the blog everyday that how frustrated i'm feeling. i have no one to complain to, to listen to me, neither can i cry it all out [emotionally explosion] - sometimes i really want to cry out loud, but i can't force it out.
What should i do? Can i induce crying?Labels: what should i do?
4:18 PM
ONE PIECE FEVER =D
Monday, November 27, 2006
------------------------------------
After watching Princess Hours, i just keep thinking back about my dearie... when i was in relationship, i tend to behave like that too... always feel hurt easily, cry is also quite common. But of cos there's time where i'm HAPPY! Suddenly i feel like getting back to the time where i just broke up... though it's heartbroken! But at least that time i had someone to hug me, to pamper me, to cheer me up when i'm down, scold me, miss me... *SiGh... haiz... and that time so was so disheartened, that i just kept myself occupied, and ... eventually lost weight subsocnsciously!
U must think that i'm crazy - i think i'm just desparate & i'm really feel very frustrated with myself for having no control over my diet. Today i was putting on my pants, it used to be loose & comfi, now it's tight & squeezing my fats out! i'm seriously out of shape!
Sometimes i really don't understand why my mum is inconsiderate! She is the one who started showing attitude "What does it mean by leaving all the bowls at the sink?"
"I'm just leaving them there to soak in the water for easier washing later!" i replied.
And what's the reply?
"What kind of attitude is that? Shouting at me now? Think I'm your maid?" she just raised her voice at me cuz she thinks that i'm raising mine!
what the hell? SHE is the one who started using such negative tone & words at me, subconsciously i'll just have to defense myself [plus i hate being accused for nothing], now she is accusing me for showing her attitude! Why can't she be more caring & show concern in a more direct way, rather than using sarcasism?! I hate her sarcaism! Labels: going down...
7:10 PM
ONE PIECE FEVER =D
Saturday, November 25, 2006
------------------------------------
just told me mum how miserable and guilty i felt, yet she only gave me the sarcastic reply! --> the adverse effect of losing weight! Now she is saying that i'm not picking up the hang-er that dropped on the floor > which means i'm too lazy to exercise.
i don't agree to her comment: -
as i'm currently eating when i'm hungry - [just that i'm eating unhealthily];
i'm not starving like i used to be;
i'm not only eating one type of food [or fruits]...
i just only feel stressed & using food as a form of escape!
i must be unable to handle the stress that i'm undergoing. what's wrong with me? too bored? sometimes i really hope that i have someone besides me to just support me, hold me, pap on my head, a form of "sayang" to make me feel loved, that i'm not alone! Is that what a BOYfriend is meant to be? does it mean that i need a boi-FRIEND?
sometimes i just feel like falling sick, i rather lying pain on the bed than to be so tortured and feeling don't-know-what-to-do!
i feel like i'm in hell to undergo all these negativity!
i noe the junks are bad, but Y can't i stop putting them into my mouth? despite my stomach alrdy feel full!
eating has become a SIN to me right now! what shall i do? how to stop eating?
at the back of my mind - i know i hv to eat healthy, i tried! but never sustain! why? what's the reason behind tis? many times i even thot of not going 2 eat for the whole entire dec! u must think i'm crazy! but i can't think logically unless i can get back my old self. somehow i have tot of the possible side-effects i get! maybe i just return back to the sec sch -> me! 54kg? now i'm just not far from it!
i feel like dying! why do i feel so miserable? why is this happening on me?
pretty - NO MORE! FAT-SO - here! Labels: fat is disguisting
5:13 PM
ONE PIECE FEVER =D
SHIT! what's wrong with me? HAIZ...
Took a nap, and ended up eating so so much of JUNKS...
M i crazy or what?
Too Stress? -appear to be!
I hate myself for being so out of control!
**ARGH!!! I wana CRY!!! :(
Now my head kinda feels so uncomfortable - too much caffine? the nerves seem to be too "active" for the moment that i doubt i can handle it!
SHIT...Labels: Sianz... feel so shitty now...
5:05 PM
ONE PIECE FEVER =D
Now it's my turn to have more frequent entry for my BLOG... cuz it's the e - Sam'X week! sianz...
FIVE Ways for escape = GO:
1) Watch TV & Eat for 60 min after studied only for 15 min:
- that's why out weighing scale only go to the right but not return to the left
2) Online: finding someone on MSN to chat; otherwise, BLOG > exactly what i'm doing now!
3) 4 a jog:
- healthiest way & good way to release stress; but how long can all of us run, we can't run everyday cuz at the end, we will just tired out ourselves
4) Out with friends?
- very unlikely for me -> cuz i'll feel damn guilty, and not mood to shop or what! Plus, who will entertain u at this time for shopping? everyone is knocking themselves to their desk n busy MUGGING!
5) zZz: - unless u are a sleeping beauty!
Haiz... now i'm so worried and concerned about being Ads TA (teaching assistant), i really wana be since after last summer, but cuz my prof has already hired his TAs 4 this sem, so i have been waiting patiently for the next sem;
criteria for being a TA:
1) Must get at least an "A-" for the respective subject
[ No Problem! cuz i've got "A" for ads]
2) Overall GPA must be at least 3.0
[Slight problem! cuz of my Year 1 Term 2, my overall GPA is struggling to reach 3.0]
Now i fit all the other criteria, my prof likes me, C1 - "A" grade - passed, but just stupid C2 - overall GPA, now i'm kinda worried that i can't get it again cuz this sem i'm not doing very well in my mods, esp IE. I think my grades can't really pull up alot, it might even pulled down lor! i really don't know how!
Right now, it's a chance to pull up - but studying harder for the upcoming exam, but all the reluctance and inertia really not very motivating for me to push myself to study harder! Perhaps it's cuz i have already got the mindset that GPA is not everythg (kinda give up to score damn good, but let nature takes its course?!) tat's why i'm not striving hard enough! I've become a more relaxed person now, tat's why i'm not that determined (n maybe that's why i never succeed in my weight loss!) Haiz...
NOW i just hope that my Prof can CREATE MAGIC 4 MOI!!! Pleaseeee....Labels: nitemare: e - Sam'X [read reverse]
12:36 PM
ONE PIECE FEVER =D
Thursday, November 23, 2006
------------------------------------
Bday Girl wearing my (& uncle Cheng) BDAY present -> ran up & down (Swarovski) frm Scotts, Paragon, Taka & Centrepoint & then Taka for the choker (Blue "string") - really damn good form of exercise (with heels on!)
Qin Ying & Moi
Nice one - just in front of the pool! --> Evil mind!
Candied Shot!
Haha... BIG PLAN - mission accomplished!
LESSON #1! NEVER have ur Bday party near pool that is near ur house (or even anyone's house)!
Qin Ying got thrown into the pool too!
LESSON #2! NEVER go for friend's Bday party that is near ur house!
Queen Of Queens - Silkgirl Make Up Workshop
All the girls who attended; special guest = Rebecca Lim (Ms Sg Universe Winner 2005, who is only a year 2 in SMU --> i'm even more senior than her!) Really makes me feel so pai seh!
Global Brand Forum 2006 [At Ritz Carlton]
Allison (Philippines Exchange student) , Kaleena, Mega, Stephanie, Moi [Day 2]Alice George (My "boss" for PR) & moi
Yummy food! ~ now u understand all of us put on weight after working there for 2 days?! ;p30th Oct -- MUM's bday
1st time i bot her Bday cake to celebrate for her! Labels: phoToS
8:24 PM
ONE PIECE FEVER =D
HAVEN been updating my blog for awhile! I'm really too tied up! finally today is the last day for my PROJect this sem!
last nite i stayed up the whole nite to do up for today BIG day - Ads presentation. Initially i always thought that i was a free-rider, but then, only until it's near the presentation, then i appear to be the key most important person --> cuz of my skills on photoshop! perhaps i have some inborned potential in using photoshop, i also didn't expect myself from being able to use Adobe Illustrator (at the very beg level) and know what's Adobe ImageReady is used for. haha... feel so proud of myself! but of cuz, i have to thank my Ex-Boss (eugene for teaching me how to use such useful skill!) it's my selling point now! haha..
time passed damn fast - i could still remember i was rushing to do up the ppt last nite now, i feel like it's just past minute passed! now i kinda feel abit "can't bear" though i had a very tough time - prepare until the very second b4 our turn today!
i think my skills have improved tremeduously for this sem on PPT & Photoshop! Thanks to all these opportunty to practise! But unfortunately, they don't seem to be of very high value (tangible) cuz they can't earn me good grades?! haha...
Yday when i went for a short "interview" for being a Teaching Assistant for advertising next sem, i felt so hard to reply my Prof when he asked me for my GPA (as 1 of the criteria for being a TA). don't know is it becuz i have the mentality that GPA is not the final determinant whether u R "good" or not! but more of the very 1st measure that people can use to estimate how good u perform in Uni. However, i would strongly agree that experience and the skills are much more important for anyone to survive; unfortunately, people are too focus into good grades, and ended up loss of social life! (not saying that i have very colorful social life, just that i'm not just focusing onto grades!)
after today, i learnt so much more than expected on how "real" pitching is like - the presentation style and the "real" way to sell our ideas. NO WONDER everyone says advertising is tough - esp when u have to sell ur ideas n get ur pitch! the pressure is tremenduous! and that's why i stumbled and embarrassed myself in front of everyone at my introduction! surprisingly, the client was very satisfied with our ideas & the way we sold our ideas, even though ours are pretty much the same as the team presented earlier (formul8). At 1st, Brucie was so afraid and keep suggesting changes here n there -> tat really freaked me out even more! Luckily we managed to have Choon (the most experienced "Lao Jiao") to do the most important part! *Phew! Otherwise, i think we might not that strong! UNfortunately, he is graduating and he didn't intend to go into advertising! What a pity?! I thought his presentation skills were good, make me feel that I still so much more to learn - to reach his level! Hopefully i can graduate with his level (or even better) for my presentation skills & confidence! :)
Now i have to get back to study again! 3 papers next week (1 on 1st day, and 2 more on the last day), and learning logs due tomorrow! Oh mann... I shall jog tmr again - cuz yday & tdy i ate so much after i got home ~ all effort wasted! But seems like my stamina went up - now i can run at 6.5km/h for an hour without that fatigue! Hmm... and thanks to Choon for correcting me, otherwise I won't know that I was running at the wrong posture! (no wonder i didn't lose that much weight the last time) I shall go n jog more often! I'm more motivated now! But just hope that i can keep to a healthy diet - yday cuz too stressed, my diet plan broke again! Keep restarting, but never have once that can last long - why like that? Labels: KcyoGenIcS
7:56 PM
ONE PIECE FEVER =D
Monday, November 20, 2006
------------------------------------
people...
I'm quite busy lately - kinda stress mann... HAIZzzz...
Anyway, support moi (Q6) [http://www.bluincmedia.com/queens06] at ok? Can vote everyday leh! So try to come here on that day also! Got lotsa goodies bag - Silkygirl make up, Sally Hansen nail polish, hairdye... blah blah! So must come n party n also, to support moi ok?!
I shall update about my doings soon!
Have to rush for projects and datelines again! Supposed to be exam break this week, but i still have presentation on this Thursday, and I'm really very stressed with the exams - i just made a mistake, my International Econ is not on next Tues, but on Sat (which is the same day as my Training & Development module)! Sianz... Sharks lah! I don't know how to prepare now! :(
And now i'm balloning! my face is damn chubby now! :( sianz...
4:23 PM
ONE PIECE FEVER =D
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
------------------------------------
Z-dRag-sss-fuL daZzZ
u can't believe how stressful i'm...
>> not only having a face tat looks like a white sheet of paper, with 2 panda eyes [but 10 times worst]...
>> getting fatter & fatter [esp at the wrong part of my body]
>> even forget if i have brushed my teeth this morny!!! [of cos i did lah!]
OMG!!! I really think that the most need now for me is to ZzZ...
Last nite i'm supposed to do up the powerpoint for my International Econ presentation, but thinking of taking a short nap at 2am, i woke up at 6.40am instead of 4.30am! SHARKS...
So i jumped off my bed & immediately finished up the formatting. Haiz.. it's really not kidding! Luckily yday i've already "planned" of what i should be wearing today for presentation. And not much need to pack my bag - so i just hurry up dashed out of my house...
If it's not cuz of my headache last nite, i would have done up the whole ppt b4 i go to bed. I also don't know why I have headache after the presentation (training & development) yday! So weird rite?
And thus, even though i thot of chaning my diet to a healthier one, but i still can't resist and ended up munching on Choco non-stop after i got home last nite. I think i'm seriously damn stress! But i don't think anyone will disagree:
Fri: T & D Meeting; Dance; Screening for focus group
Sat: Advertising meeting
Sun: IE ppt meeting
Mon : Presentation (T &D)
Tues: Presentation (IE) [Today]
Wed: Report due
Thurs: Test
Fri: MPW Report meeting
Sat: SilkyGirl workshop [QoQ] & YingLin's Bday party [still don't know what to get her yet]
Haiz... this few days i really feel damn stress! HELP!!!
9:32 AM
ONE PIECE FEVER =D
Saturday, November 04, 2006
------------------------------------
Kinda pissed off today!
I tot i kanna Bulima, but actually i realized it's just stomach flu. But i think it's cuz this is the 1st time i experience such horrible feeling, thus, now i try to be more controlled in the speed of my food intake, trying my very best to keep reminding myself to eat as slow as possible, as little each time as possible! I thought i won't be able to eat again [at 1st]. But the 2nd day, i can eat already! and the past few days, cuz there's no "food" (except junk food & choco) in office, i just survived on those junks. Though the net suggests not to eat junks, and take caffine, but i have no choice! There's the only "food" available! So i just eat! And lately i have been drinking alot of Milo, Coffee, chocolate-based kind of food / drinks. I think my body is getting heaty already! Haiz...
But i think ever since that stomach flu experience, i'm not so keen in eating so much, but more onto having sugar intake, i wonder is it cuz my brain wants energy rather than my body! [As many of u know that, i'm not a choco-lover, so i myself also feel very shocked that i eat so much choco nowadays, and i kinda get hooked onto having choco everyday! ~ i think my diet plan surely will fail again!]
Past few days, i have been damn busy with work - sch & saffron hill. If it's not cuz of giving Jimmy face, i doubt i'll be working so hard recently. And making myself lacking of zzz lately, i think i'm kinda used to zzz less nowadays. Last weekend, i studied for my Tues' International Econ test from 8.30am - 10pm (both Sat & Sun) in sch. The sch now is crazy. All the GSR (group study room) are fully booked, but the worst thing is that, people booked rooms but they never use them, which really pissed me off. Cuz many of us who really need to use the room, yet we don't have room for us to book and use. I think these people are really wasting resources! So irritating!
This morny I also very pissed! I really hate people who take others for granted and don't have a sense of responsibilties. This morning I'm supposed to meet someone at 9.30am at Wheelockplace Starbucks, but she only told me that she can't meet me at 9.10am, when I was already on my way there. I even dashed out of my house cuz I thought I was late. But after the call - I was so irritated! How can she like that? So last min change and expect me to be 24-7 free? Hello!! I also have my work to do! Luckily when she told me that time, I just passed by sch, and therefore I can alight just in time, since I'm supposed to have meeting in school at 11am.
Then, she just assumed that I can just meet her at 6.30pm this evening. But the thing is that, even though i can make sometime out from my initiate appointment (June Yi's bday party), I also don't feel like helping her out! She is so inflexible! I suggested an alternative to her, but she just keep saying "no, no, no"! What a stupid woman?!?! :(
Later, when I turned her down (from helping her), then she proposed my suggestion. She must be damn desparate then she start to seek my suggestion. Yes! I might be still a student, but I think there should still be a form of respect there, and not taking us for granted, especially when we are helping out in a event!
Next, my meeting - 1 project group mate late for an hour, 1 just woke up, last one late for half an hour (but i tot initially he won't be coming cuz he has another meeting clashes the same time). Haiz.. luckily i'm so busy with so much work to do, so i can't be bothered to blame him. Plus, i don't have any idea for the project as yet, so i don't DARE to blame him also! haiz... but at least not being FLIED-KITE again! otherwise, i think i'll surely flared up mann!
But domino-effect, it leads me to be late for my next meeting. I thought I would be late for only 15min (at most), but ended up i late for an hour ~ after wondering about to decide what to eat for lunch. I was too hungry till I have lost my appetite! I don't know what to eat at all. But at end, i had subway & soya bean for my [late] lunch (2.30pm till 3.30pm). But this project meeting seems like useless for me to go, i didn't contribute at all, which make me feel guilty too! I really wish i can contribute and not be a free-rider, but i dont' know how! Haiz... plus, i suck at IE (Lowest in classes for 2 consecutive quizzes), i studied so hard for the 2nd one, thought i would do better, but i did worst! Haiz... I really don't know how to pull up my overall GPA score! I think i just give up already! So demoralizing! :(
In fact, i'm supposed to be at June Yi's bday party as i have promised to go for last wed, but i chose to come back to sch to do some work. I don't have the mood to go also. Feel so lazy to go all the way to downtown east; despite i really wana see them! I have not been seeing them for long long time! The last Bday party (wei zhang's) - i also missed. Cuz i really don't have the time. Perhaps, i think i can only meet them up after everything ended! Just hope that they will be willing to support me on the 7th Dec at MOS (Queen of Queens) lah! :p
Happie Birthday June Yi [Sorrie that i didnt come 4 ur party, hope that u had fun & lotsa presents!]
9:34 PM
ONE PIECE FEVER =D
