My stamina is drying up! why m i so bored ? REALLY!!!

just feel kinda slack this weekend. haven been doing much! what happened? the very determined MI has gone! i dunno why also. ever since that day my mum scolded me 4 not "appreciating" her effort, she has not been talking much to me (ok lah! plus i hardly c her) but yday was her off day, i woke up n she already showed me a "charcoal" face - super unappetitizing to talk to, especially early in the morny. since she began the day (with me) like this, i kinda feel the same as she does - uninterested in any conversation. well. even when i tried to talk to her, she just replied me in such a defensive way that leave me with no interest to continue any conversation with her. and without fail, she scolded me later in the day 4 my tone in replying her. Y are mothers so difficult to talk to nowadays? my friends' mums also. but theirs dun seem to be as bad as mine. maybe she is bored, that's y throwing tantrum to try to release her emotions, or trying to catch my attention, but what about mine? who cares about mine? i've no one to share with or to at least comfort me. i have to deal with them all by myself. perhaps, that's y i'm feeling so bored nowadays. sometimes i really wonder issit myself to put myself in such a sympathetic situation, making myself to feel lonely and bored, feel unloved and tired? or does this come naturally which is beyond my control? i just wrote a letter to my (HK) primary sch friend - was thinking about my ex-bf. is it true that having a bf can help to "neutralize" all this negative feeling? keeping me company, sharing all the woes with me, keeping me occupied? on the other hand, i know, esp when i'm busy, having a bf is not a very wise choice. problems will start to come. well.. not longing 4 a bf, but just hope that i won't feel so bored and unmotivated! is that so difficult to get rid of? why aren't others feel the same as me, but just me who feel so miserable? is it cuz i'm psychologically unbalanced? to add on to that, without motivation, all my plans that i've have are gone - diet 3 days and give in for 5 days; study hard 4 a week and slack the other week; dance concert production - getting more n more sianz to work on... i feel dumb at times, and very non-constructive to my work. wanting to contribute during meeting yet i think i'm contributing in the wrong direction - ended up no one listen to me, but simply IGNORING me. i want to contribute! i want to do something. i want to feel i'm useful. but it seems like i'm being ostracized! i'm unwelcomed! i'm being a nuisance! feeling so much guilt deep inside me, and by looking their faces, i can tell how they think of me - not constructive, an "extra", as good as not existing... i doubt i'm thinking too far / too much, but this is really what my guilt is telling me. i wonder why m i so unconstructive? why can't i follow what they say / gg to? why is my mind thinking of something else that is not along the track? how come i'm so unacceptable?

Saying NO is a SIN?

what's wrong with SAYING "NO" to consumption if i really don't feel like eating / drinking? i mean i don't like the bloatedness feeling, so i try not to overeat (thou i've been doing so quite often due to STESS!)! And that's Y i've been trying to diet. but that's not the point here. what i'm PISSED is that i got scolded just because i dun wana drink soup! it's not that i never drink - i drank it yday already! Yet she (my mum) just raised her voice - accusing me that cuz i'm afraid getting fat, that's y i refused to drink. i was so offended that i cant keep quiet but to rebutt. Then, she began to drew all the [irrelevant] fallcies & threats,

"don't eat at all ok?"

"don't ask me to buy u any food - so i can save $!"

... as her reasons 4 being right! At 1st, i still tot lately my mum-&-moi's relationship is improving as we talk to each other more. Ermm.. apparently it seems like i'm REALLY wrong! Is it cuz of menopause that causes all these nuisances? or is IT loneliness that leads her to throw tantrum anytime she feels like? then wouldn't it be UNFAIR to the innocent receipent => moi? then who do i "transmit" this anger / piss-ness to? i also encounter tensions & pressure, but i'm trying to learn how to handle them on my own - seems like getting better now (i guess).

so WHY CANT she?

Actually this summer i would like to go back HK as well, but after considering so many "im-possibilities" :

== internship? == summer course(s)? == dance production? == part-time job? ==

i really don't dare to guarantee i can afford the time. plus, also it's gonna "burn" my dad a HUGE hole in his wallet if both my mum & i return tgr. initially i tot my mum won't go back cuz i'm not intending to, but i just realized that she'll most likely going back irregardless i'm going or not.

Sometimes i really wonder Y can't she be more considered 4 my dad? does it prove that i'm more sensible than her? when i raised the $$$ issue to her. she answered me so free & easy, "Can always earn back the $!" ~ i'm sure she didn't remember that she still owe me $ when she said that.

And i can see that she uses her "heart" to weigh this trip [emotionally] rather than realistically! i mean it's not the matter of just shopping, but it's really very costly to go back 4 just 10days --> $400+ for merely the air ticket? what about the transport there? - the most costly expenses in HK.

Understanding her desire of meeting the rest of the family, i just feel very "NOT-GOOD" for my dad. Besides, i can see very clearly that he doesn't really want us to go back as well, cuz it's really too costly and of little worthiness. If i were to return, i wana go back 4 a longer period, rather than so rush - to here n there.

Not like i never think of returning, but when i thought of the commitment(s) that i've, i'm afraid i really cant go back this summer. Maybe that's y i dun feel like going back even thou everyone is going back for reunion. i wish i could see them too cuz it's really a rare chance. but my dad... my commitments... really don't think i can afford to leave behind.... HAIZZzzz...

LOSSSSS ...... What's Up mann???

i went swimming as usual, like the other days, even though i was kinda reluctant this morny, i still go cuz i anticipated that coming weeks i won't be able to go swimming that often. i think i was too tired and blurred, i actually left my goggles in the changing room! SHIT!!! cuz that was bought by dear during our trip to Bali... i couldn't stop thinking of it so i went back to look for it. Unfortunately, as expected, someone has already taken it! i wonder who's that idiot - so greedy & ethical - took it away! Haiz... i don't even feel that pain if it was not from dear. But mayb cuz i hardly lose my property, once i lost something, i will feel very very sad one!!! and now i've to get a substitute! i didn't know goggles are so expensive until i bought them just now! i really hope that someone has gave my goggles to the security guard! please!!! it's only half-a-year old! such a new n valuable gift - i really dun wish i would lose it outside, at least if i lost it at home (like yday - i had to forced myself to open my eyes in the pool, or i would just swam from left to right or diagonally but just not striaght), i still can use it in future! Mayb that is a sign that i shouldn't have gone swimming tdy! maybe cuz i was sad about my goggles, and the past few days, i haven't eating right - have been gorging myself with junks after swimming, so i decided to buy yong-dou-fu, but actually i din really want to eat that. at the end, i ate even more than yday - waffle, bread, biscuits, cookies plus the yong-dou-fu! i wonder what happen to me!? seems like the more i swim, the more i eat as well even though i try so hard to control! really hate myself! aft chatting with cheung-po-po (my nanny), suddenly i feel so "sour" - have a sudden urge to go back to c her! really miss her very much! i can feel that she is dying to see me, she misses me very much - i can tell from her! plus her (elder) son, treats her kinda badly (she hasn't see him since the beginning of the year), that's pretty sad! somemore gong-gong (her hubby) just lost his job cuz of the $ issue during CNY this year, i really feel very sorry and sad 4 her! i wana hug u now - po po!!! Just hope that u will be as healthy as always and hope that i could return to visit them soon! i really feel very sad 4 her! but on the other hand, i might be getting my intership this summer and my dad seems to have much finanial difficulties, my mum yet making so much noise about going back 4 my grandma's bday celebration, i really don't know if i should go back! i can sense that my dad don't really want us to go back cuz we will need to spend quite a large sum. besides, i don't want to just return 4 a "dinner" but also to stay longer (prob a month or so?!), just an estimate of all the necessary spending, honestly it gona cost alot! wonder how come i feel so poor even thou i hvn been gg out, now - my life is go sch, go home, go sch, go home. not even any form of entertainment! just like the past 2 days, i have been mugging in sch from afternn (aft my swim) till late nite - i guessed i might have overworked, thus i was so lazy to go back to sch tdy! but die lah! i have stats mid-term this sat - and i haven't even study a thing yet! don't even know what he expects from us. and now at home, i dun have any motivation to study at all! should i go back to sch? but now it's already 7pm, and even if i go sch, i have to catch 12nn, last bus. otherwise i couldn't go home! what should i do? should i? mayb i should! since i really don't seem to be very productive here! haiz.. why lidat? i have slacked one full day even though i have tonnes of things to do still! my target for today has flopped! omg!! how?! chumm... why am i so screwed tdy?! and after i got back my finance mid-terms, i was so disheartened as well! i just passed on the dot even though i studied so hard! i dun even hit the average of all his classes! what's happening?! m i that shui (bad-luck)? nothing seems to be smooth 4 me! haiz... even when my dad asked me if i'm in any relationship just now, i was like ... *sigh* what a qn??! i wish mann.. hardly found someone whom i think he's not bad, but i was too late! he's already attached, somemore 4 a year already! how would i stand any chance?! suddenly i just feel very sad & pitiful for myself! how come i'm like so bored and lifeless? m i the only one? or there are many people out there are on the same boat as me? i wonder!!! how come i often so lagging and sad here?! trying to do something to keep myself going, yet opposite effects resulted! seems like i can only be a loser!

Havent been visiting my dentist for about 2 years, and today i finally pay him a visit! and this visit is not just a check up, but also a great loss of wisdom... tooth! well! luckily mine is not that bad, cuz of the non-upright growth, i decided to remove it (once & for all). besides, it's considered as normal tooth extraction, so i saved up quite alot... ($60 only!) cuz he worried tat i will feel the pain, so after the 1st injection, he tested... unfortunately, i could still feel some kind of poking pain, so he injected again. so at the end, my whole (left) face was totally numb & swollened, the dosage was so strong that even my ear also couldn't feel anything (when i was trying to listen to my MP3). but in a splits seconds, "it's done!" i was so shocked that it took such short time to extract the tooth. no wonder they earn so much - just a pull and earn $60... "brushing" then another $50. really good earn mann.... well... think perhaps i haven't been seeing him 4 very long, and he doesn't have other customer at that time, so we chatted awhile b4 he starts his "operation". aft i've reached sch, pple who know me also wonder how come i talked in such funny way. i guess it's cuz the medicine (to enhance blood clogging) tat's why i lost my appetite for the whole day. i only consumed at 4pm, cuz i realized that i can't concentrate in what i'm reading at tat time. but i was pretty shocked that i wasn't hungry until so late... wonder how much will i lose lidat.. plus i still swim quite often now, hopefully can lose more weight!!! ;) but just now, dunno issit cuz of gastric (the peaceful type), i was like "breaking the bread" that my mum bot - my fav nakery store - croissants.. so many lor.. 3 types! but i was rather hungry thou, cuz i only had a cup of fruit juice and a waffle. eating over american next top model - ended up that i've ate 6... i think i'm so doomed! all my exercises have gone to waste again! sianz.. feel so damn guilty lor... surely gain wt lor!!! haiz...

This few days i've been quite enthusiatics about swimming, the very basic reason is of cos - LOSE WEIGHT!! ~ there's the source of motivation. But as i exercise more, i realized that i'm kinda happier & driven in my work. Everyone near me is like complaining how tired they are, yet i'm like so awake & positive towards work. THANKS TO Endorphins (released following continuous submaximal exercise, like running, cycling and aerobics.) & the changes in serotonin levels (similar to antidepressant medications). I guess that's why exercises are strongly encourage. Besides, as i've always set a target when i swim, i feel greater sense of achievement after my goal has hit! Therefore, i've decided to swim every week from now onwards & of cos, watch my diet very closely, otherwise, it would be like the other time - due to temptation of all the junks that my mum bot during CNY, all my efforts were gone to waste! Another question - does jacuzzi helps in losing wt as well? everyone is envying me 4 being able to enjoy myself in jacuzzi (all thanks to becky's offer of "her (father's)" condo's facilities). i know how lucky i'm to have such a fortunte to enjoy the comfort & "shuang-ness" of the jacuzzi... THANK U BECKY!!! Apart the reason of exercising, i guess i'm happier this few days cuz i've "found" friends (UNI) whom i can clique well with. Perhaps it's cuz we all have common (targets) to talk / gossip about. It has been really a long time i ever laugh so happily & enjoyed every since the 1st day of SMU. Another possible reason could be cuz the few of us have that sparks of chemistry that enable us to jell so well, i wonder how long will this last?! Mayb also because we all hate our stats Prof (common goal) & a few of our group-mates, that's why we are so "united". Haha... :D