"One By One"

Sunday, January 21, 2007
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apocalypto

belated celebration for 22nd Bday today ~ disapppointment AGAIN!!! :'(

after having 2 rounds of disappointment for my bday celebrations, today is the 3rd one already! What's happening? *Haiz...

Round # 1 - watch movie (Hollywoodland) with Edmund, that day was ok except for the choice of movie; I thought that Adrien Brody's show should be not bad -> it was so good that Edmund could slept almost throughout the whole show! ~ i felt so guilty for that! SorrIe!

Round #2 - settlers' cafe with 208 (my sec friends); initially i thought that it would be quite a fun night, but ended up not much appreciation is shown upon my effort dedicated for these bunch of good friends, and i just can't stop myself from brooding over it! :(

the whole 208 [except XQ & CJ]

Chin closed her eyes Again!

Round #3 [today] - movie (Apocalypto) with 1 guy friend [wana know the name? ask me directly!]; he suggested to eat at the Japanese restaurant at Wheelock Place, but at the end w[h]e dined at a Jap "fast food" cafe at Taka Basement next the foodcourt. WHY? Coz he didn't book a place there, and he was so late in meeting me (planned to be 4.30pm, despite i postponed to 5.15 - 5.30, he made me waited till 5.45 then showed up); that's why we couldn't get a place there, plus we are watching movie at 8.10pm, so we can't afford to wait for the seat.

i mean it's a Saturday, it's expected to be crowded at town, isn't it? OMG!!! why is he so lazy and never even plan properly?! Luckily i had no appetite, otherwise i surely won't be happy!

Movie time: it's so stupid to book 2 seats of the row with one seat left near the walkway! a guy sat next to me, initially i didn't find anything wrong about this solo-audience, but after the movie started, there's a pungent smell spreading towards my nose ~ all thanks to his Mr. Audience, who took off his shoes and crossed his legs as if he's watching shows at home. I was so pissed off; and the smell came in pulses! then, as he "friged" alot, and each time he moved, the seat will move also, and it affected my seat since mine is just next to his. I tried to bear with it the 1st 2 times, but later, i really couldn't stand it anymore, i made some noise to signal him, yet he still don't get it! i turned my head to him -> he looked back at me afterwards! He really irritated me so much that i even thought of leaving the theater a few times! And during the show, i glanced at him and saw him either bitting his finger nails or digging his nose [i think the latter seems more likely]!

i really can't stand him at all! i don't understand why people are so inconsiderate? why are they so poorly educated in ETIQUTTE? these kind of people [irregardless of gender] just pissed me off!!

and his Bday present for me - i thought i can expect something better from him, but... OMG!!! Expectation really Kills! he gave me a "belt" - silver chain belt with light grey [leather] flowers and pearls - what a belt (for TAI TAI)! i know many people said i somehow have abit of tai tai look, but that is just too mature for me lah! how am i going to use? and those flowers are so ugly! I don't know how to tell him mann.. and for this present, it's the one n only one gift, there's no other additional ones. I rather he buys me the one that he initially wanted to buy from Jarkata (an imitation LV clutch but of AA class) - just too bad that that only left with the only piece and it's faulty somewhere which can't be fixed! Haiz...

This year so far i have received not much of a up-to-standard kind of present [Luckily, for once, i love my Dad's present] ~ Thanks Daddy!!! Otherwise, i think i rather not celebrate my bday at all / receive any bday present! :(

Labels: another disappointing day

1:18 AM
ONE PIECE FEVER =D

Tuesday, January 16, 2007
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This morny i woke up - probably too excited, i only zzz for 4 hours last nite, i woke up and failed to go back to zzz again cuz i was awoke up by my grand aunt's call. *Haiz... But also maybe cuz i've drank too much caffine today?! that's why even though when i was on the way home also can't zzz!

so i cooked an omelette for my mum this morny for Breakfast! hee...

tick - dogg -- tick - dogg -- tick - dogg 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 woo... 16th JANUARY 2007!!!

~ ~ it has passed 12am already! and it's already 16th Jan 2007. the last digit has changed AGAIN!!! isn't it too soon?

i have a friend just turned twenty-ONE two weeks ago, and here i'm - add ONE! OMG!!!

just now many people wish me - but almost all are of the unexpected - as in the least expected people wished me HAPPIE BDAY! i know this line is very cliche, but i think it serves the meaning to it, if you are indeed sincere in saying that.

on the contrary, none of the 208 people wished me anything, despite they are almost all online - which is quite rarely that they are online at this hours!

R they trying to pretend they have forgotten? or they really have forgotten about the time? - as usual , they are always very last min & never be early enough for full preparation. Even though just now chin asked if i had received her sms about tmr meeting, planning to go to settler's cafe to play some boardgame:~

1. since we have been saying that but never get a chance to go;

2. all of us can kept occupied with the games, it's near our house, even though we are meeting quite late;

3. should be quite affordable, since everyone is saving up $$$

i really don't know what i can do already! even tmr i have no programme in the day; i dont' feel like studying / do sch work, i even give up earning $$ from screening on phone. But no one date me, except when chin probed me if i've any appointment 2 nitez b4. That's why i dont' feel much speciality in this year bday. it's just none other ordinary day like that. i'm no longer looking forward to anymore Bday.

Not happie > Not sad > Not excited >> don't know what i'm feeling now? NUMB??? Perhaps!

i'm intending to make tiramisu for them to eat, but after seeing the receipe, i doubt i know how to make! Sorrie! i might not be able to make for you all! Haiz. think i shall just spend the day alone & probably show face at nite to meet up with them bah! :-] *haha.. haha..*

sometimes i will imagine:
is it that they [208] are planning something behind my back? just so happened that Kok How is free celebrating his friend's bday [super high possibility that is a GIRL! - from his response]...

Imagine: --> maybe 208 has "chained-up" (planned) with KH, make him a surprise for me to appear tmr suddenly?

~ haha... that's such a ridiculous thought! How would he celebrate with his ex-gf friends for his ex's bday? being willing to celeb for his ex is already sth close to zero possibility. so this is a "dehhhh!!!" [Not possible!]

--> erm... i think just don't imagine anymore lah! instead of "day"-dreaming, i think i rather dream on my bed... *haiz...* experience taught me --> you will probably feel much better when u hold no expectations from people! in fact, now i don't even have the mood / motivation to expect on others. Just hope that the gifts are nice (to me) then CAN liao! :)

AGAIN ~ happIe bIrthDay To mYseLf ...

Labels: sixteen = twenty-one plus one?

1:19 AM
ONE PIECE FEVER =D

Thursday, January 11, 2007
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how to define an emotion? - happie? or sad? -

what's mine? - neither here nor there! -

i don't need an very extreme state of emotion, but i just want to have a more clear-cut kind of emotion, i don't like the current state where i feel troubled, but not completely sad / depressed; or relatively happy but not from my heart, somewhere deep in me has an(some) untied knot(s).

i don't like such in-between feeling. i rather i feel completely depressed and cry out loud to let out my emotions. i feel very tired being in such undeifinable position! what can i do?

i've tried to listen to more emotional songs, think of the sad part of my life... but i just unable to force myself to cry out loud. somehow i just feel that i'm too numbed to feeling, to emotions that i don't even know how to express out. Did i just turned into a machine? robot? or just a human made of flesh & fats with a metallic heart that has no emotions? i no longer feel that i'm like a person. i can't FEEL anything! i don't know ME anymore! i can't FEEL myself! i don't know how to CRY! i don't know LAUGH out loud from my heart! (i only know how to "laugh" for show!)

OH MANN... WHAT AM I?

Labels: what am I?

11:54 PM
ONE PIECE FEVER =D

Today i met up with Edmund, who i used to work with everyday, but lately, we have not met up for almost half a year. And in the half a year, it's seriously that I've put on so much weight that he 1st saw me across the road, he could already tell! OMG!!! i think i really make it anymore! how? what should i do?

We went movie together - for HOLLYWOODLAND - no wonder there isn't much advertisement, the show is really "still", slow pace and quite boring (esp for those who do not really know how to appreciate the other parts of movie, other than the storyline) i was paying almost 90% attention in watching that, and i could somehow understand it (perhaps 70%). I felt quite bad that Edmund was really too bored that he felt aslept. But i know he was being nice to accompany me to watch movie.

Then we went to search for my present, as expected, i really don't feel much special / differences in the upcoming bday already. In fact, i'm not even keen in celebrating. I don't know why? Maybe in my heart, I'm not very happie about my weight gain? I'm still not satisfied with what I am now. But neither am I depressed as a whole. Maybe cuz I need to face people, so I can't force myself to pull a long face when I face people. But what should I do now? I really think that I need STRESS & keep myself occupied day & night 24-7, so that I won't be free to get myself distracted and think of eating. And become fat eventually! I also think that I should BAN from all the gatherings, or i meet people after they eat, so I won't be tempted to eat, even though it has already passed the dinner time.

I've set myself a time barrier - 7pm, not to eat after that. But I'm not disciplined enough. Only after i felt guilty, then the little voice in me will say, "never mind! Tomorrow starts again!" I've read a book that I have to keep a positive mind, tell yourself that it's a mistake and you will change it. But how come I did that but become and over-used excuse? I'm not keeping to my promise! And I can't just let myself don't care for the promise, if i totally let go, i believe i'm be back to me when i was 54kg (Maximum). I really can't allow myself from reverting to the OLD me. But how come i'm not disciplined enough?

There are many methods out there, such as tying up the stomach [About $20k], pills that help to extract oil from food... And then i know that determination worth so much $$$. How come I could successful did that but not now? I believe if i could do it, i CAN do it now too! My thighs & Carves are huge now, and they used to be too, how to reduce them? Chop them off - i wish i could! I seriously think that i can only eat non-protein food and try to burn more energy now. i really don't know what i should & can do? I think one BIG factor that I need now is to be focused and consistent, be determined in this program. But i'm worried that i will not be able to resist temptation next week, since 16th Jan is next week.

Haiz... i don't wana exercise, as i don't wana build up the muscles, but if i don't, how to increase my metabolic rate & burn off the stubborn fats? HELP! Why is it so hard on female? It's so unfair!!! :(

Labels: Round #1 Celebration

8:58 PM
ONE PIECE FEVER =D

Wednesday, January 10, 2007
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After much consultations & considerations, i've decided:

1) Dropping my GRS module - Special Topic in Management in Japan
As i've checked the courses available under this category, i think there's still one more module that interests me (i.e. Global Marketing), and it's more relevant to what i intend to study. Besides, 40% individual report writing is really very high weightage, since i want [need] to improve my GPA so badly, i think i must not take such a risk!

2) Applying for BSM New York
From a little small scale survey, 80% thinks it's worth it, 20% thinks that it's too costly for just a 12-days trip. I know it's a big sum of money, and it's not easy to come out with that amount of $. So I'll probably save up from now on, if I really got selected. Indeed I'll leave this to GOD to decide if I should go, if I've got selected, then GOOD; otherwise, I can always take Global Marketing as an alternative to fulfil my GRS.

Like my senior said, it's really a rare opportunity to go for BSM, not only it offers me a opportunity to have more oversea exposure, it can add value to my portfolio; furthermore, ADVERTISING is going to be the most likely industry that I would want to go into, New York is a very BIG market in that industry as well. I know it's too broad and general to conclude that this trip will surely add value to my future career, I'm sure I'll gain an insight of the companies that we are going to visit. [According to Louis, who went the previous time, said he visited TRL, and some communication related companies.] I really think it's a good learning experience, so... hopefully I can get it bah?! [though i know my chances of getting it will be damn slim]

Theme: The Business of Cultural Industries in a Global City

Cultural industries (e.g. media and entertainment) are important agents of global cultural change and crucial elements of modern economies. Although cultural products such as Sex and the City and The Apprentice are consumed around the world, the cultural industries that develop them are concentrated in a few cities such as New York and Los Angeles. Because it is both a major global cultural and economic center, New York has been designated one of the world’s three “global” cities (Sassen, 2001). Indeed, multinational corporations such as News Corp, Time Warner and Viacom have all made New York their global headquarters. This course will focus on the structure and strategies of the media, entertainment and communication industries in New York. In particular, it will examine two key industry issues – the emergence of media/communication conglomerates and the convergence of media, entertainment and commerce.

But now... another problem, i've been feeling quite down these few days, every morny i'll feel pretty refreshed, and always think it's a good day to begin my diet. However, don't know is it cuz i'm working and kinda feel demoralized after calling so many "failure" screeners, i always turn into junks / forbiddened food, somemore i'm consuming late, later than 7pm - which i set the latest for any consumption. i really don't know how to become like the past, to be able to withstand my hunger and just starved?! i think i need to do that mann.. otherwise i will never be able to lose weight successfully.

I'm thinking of setting a gradual target - 0.5 kg per week, and by the end of the term, if everything goes smoothly, i'll be able to hit my target of 5kg at the end of the 3 months. i hope i can really succeed! perhaps i have to work harder and start to dance more again to burn off the stubborn fats. But i'm still worried about the muscles that i will build overtime if i dance so often. Unless i dont' eat any protein & carbo, then i will be able to lose muscles fast. ARGH! That's really a chore!

Now i know how horrible is that to lose weight, i swear i will not make myself to fall into such a pain after i succeeded my goal this time round!!

Labels: finally sort my mind

11:41 PM
ONE PIECE FEVER =D

Monday, January 08, 2007
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i thought i would have no more DILEMMA already, but... today i just receieved an email about Business Study Mission (BSM) to New York at the end of this year (Dec), it'll be counted under Global Regional Studies (GRS) [BBA student are supposed to take 2 mods under this category, and i've already cleared one, left with one more - i'm currently taking now (Special Topic in Management on Japan {STM})] i've attended a class last week for STM, the Japanese Prof seems abit blur, IT illiterate, but i think he's strict in his marking, as Japanese are particular in details; initially i was very much motivated in taking that mod, cuz i bidded together with my friends. However, he assigned us into groups randomly, and i'm surrounded with all the YEAR 4s (for my group)~ i wonder it's a fortune or challenge? Grading for STM: 30% - class participation 30% - presentations (total 2 of them) 40% - individual report [instead of final exam paper] i'm not good at writing report, with such high weightage for what i'm poor at, how high of a chance can i perform well for this mod? i need to pull my GPA desparately, cuz it didn't improve last sem, and i'm still far away from "normal" standard level. That's why i'm only taking 4 mods this few sem, as the weightage of each grade is decreasing as the more mods u completed. Now, this BSM (NY) is really a great opportunity for me to take; benefits: 1) i can clear the GRS credit 2) this is my last opportunity for me to travel to oversea [with the school], as i'm neither going for any student exchange nor oversea internship. So this is the great opportunity 3) it'll definitely be a great experience as i will probably won't go to that part of the world until i'm very successful in my career, or only if i'm sent for a work trip problems: 1) requirement for successful application is good GPA - which i don't have! since it's a very popular mod that many pple [whoever can afford] would apply, i doubt i will get selected! "Applications will be assessed holistically and take into account seniority, academic performance and CCA backgrounds. Priority will be given to senior students (i.e. class of 2004 and 2005) who have good GPAs and relevant academic and CCA backgrounds." 2) i'm currently taking STM [counted under GRS], will it affect my chances of getting selected? 3) it's pretty costly ~ estimated S$3175 [inclu. air fare, transport, accomodation, food...] for 12 days trip, have to attend 8 lessons (weekly), and Pre-Christmas free-and-easy in New York City, that's why i think it's really a great chance to go. And for sure, i've someone going with me - louis, he's the Teaching Assistant (TA) for this mod [just so happened that i've asked him sth about his past trip to NY BSM a few days ago, what a coincidence?] but i think the cost is still manageable, as most i just work harder and save more now, i still have 1 year to save up! 4) dateline for consideration due this friday (12th jan), so i'm damn freaked out now. i'm trying to ask around for advice, what should i do?! i'm kinda concerned that... "am i over-estimate myself if i applied, since i do not have good grades, i can't even qualified for being a TA, should i still apply?" dilemma: 1) even if i applied, i might not be able to get it, cuz it still require interviews, then u will know if u R selected! by the time result released, it'll be too late for me to drop my STM, and take another mod. 2) if i dropped STM, and take another mod by the prof who's leading this BSM class to NY, it'll clash with my advertising class on friday morny. i've requested to audit ads class again, if i tell him that i'm not doing it now, i kinda feel that i'm very irresponsible, and the main thing is that i can't afford to let my prof down, he's my fav prof, and he has helped me alot. Unless i attend his 12nn class, but another problem is that i can only attend from 12 - 1.45 as i have Jap class, so everything just clashes. what a problem i'm facing now?! i know life is about risk taking, but i just don't really like to take risk, maybe it's cuz i've considered too much about the consequences. i've just talked to my mum about this issue -> i often think alot before making decision, hence, alot of opportunities are missed. i'm also someone who dislike conflicts, so usually i "dare not" stand up on my own for my view, but instead, i'll try to be a "nice" [or u should say easy to bully] person. It's not only cuz i'm timid, i just don't know how to reply quick whenever there's a conflicts / arguement. it's all my nature - as analyzed according to my horoscope. It's just human nature, maybe that explains why am i [often] a loser rather than a winner! *Sigh!!! what should i do? # follow what my Prof said - follow ur heart, and just go for what u think it's worth going! N not miss the chance? # be realistic & practical - spend so much money just for an experience, maybe next time u can still go when u have a lot of money?! Besides, my GPA is so lousy, it seems like i'm just "bu-zhi-liang-li"! HELP!!! Why is it such a hassle to make decision?! it's only 2nd week of school, why everything seems so "rough" for me? another problem: i've wanted to control my diet and eat less, but apparently, i'm not cutting down but eating so much! what happen to my own promise? i have promised to myself, but i'm not upkeeping it! instead, i feel that my burms is getting tighter again - What's happening? i don't want to exercise too much, cuz i'm building muscles, but i'm neither losing weight, maybe i should really get into depression mode, but how to be sad where i can't force myself into it?! i don't even feel that forward-looking to next tues (16th jan - my bday), i think i'm really "NOT feeling WELL"!!!

Labels: dilemma - dilemma - dilemma

6:57 PM
ONE PIECE FEVER =D

Sunday, January 07, 2007
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Since when I become so lazy? It’s so unlike me to ROT at home consecutively for the past 2 days, just staring at the computer for the whole day, and finally finished watching my hk drama dvd, haha… what an achievement?!

It’s so rare rite? I don’t even want to meet anyone. And today I just found out that my mum is off, but the thing is that she don’t even want to go out with me, but go out with that XYZ, the reason being that she will spend less $. WHAT the **** ???

I somehow I just feel like getting into depression mode, have no interest in anything other than related to myself, the feeling of falling out of love, the feeling of only myself is in this world, I don’t even feel like celebrating my bday! Perhaps I should just go n work! At least I can earn some $ also!

I’m scare of what I’m taking this sem, initially I planned in such a way that I should have 2 exams, but ended up the prof all changed, and left with only projects, and individual report! I’m not good at writing report, and it’s 40%, but… haiz…

Sometimes deep inside me really just want to cry out loud, and get all these emotions out of me, but I can’t do it. I have no tears to shed, no reasons to stir up that emotions and cry out loud, it’s all embedded inside somewhere which I can’t find it. I want to be completely negative, but I just can’t do it. Why? Is it so hard for someone to feel negative?

I don’t want to meet anyone. I don’t have the mood to entertain anyone. I just feel like becoming the SM that I used to be when I just broke up with Adrian, where I’m so lost, so heartbroken, so no-mood to do anything. But… I can’t do it right now. I’m emotionless; my heart is no longer made of human flesh, but just some hard artificial machinery. But why ain’t my stomach made of such material as well? Then I don’t have to eat and still can operate, just need electricity (sleep) and able to charge up the energy lost. And then there won’t be any fats, but able to keep thin forever and ever!

I’ve kept my promise since DAY 1, but when is the DAY 1? DAY 2? There’s always a new date for my Day 1, but never seem to have more than Day 1, why am I so lousy? Where is the determination that I used to have? No exercise to lose muscles, then how about the food I’m consuming? Why can’t I just resist the temptation from eating all the nonsense, and just eat what I’m supposed to? I’m really pissed off with myself for not being able to keep my own promise. I think I should just BAN myself from meeting up with people, so no temptation from eating what I’m “forbidden” to eat, recoup my own saving, able to feel DOWN, reach my goal of losing weight! Some people said I lost weight, but I think it’s cuz my grown hair that create that illusion, my jeans & pants are getting tighter, who could I lost weight where my clothes are getting smaller for me? Clothes shrunk? Haha… it’s just 1 of the comforting excuses. I don’t know what should I do?! I only know so far only that time when I had a lost love, I just lost weight on its own without knowing – I didn’t do exercise, only work non stop, run up n down, no interest in going anywhere, no mood in knowing what is happening in the world outside me, have no distraction in moving my will.

Haiz… what am I such a loser?! No mood in doing anything but just rot on my mum’s bed and watch dvd the whole day, until I felt aslept somemore! Where am I? Can I just become like that again? That day I was bad mood cuz I was unable to screen anyone successfully – cold call to Malaysia, and ended up gorging myself with chocolate and coffee and all the fattening food out of frustration. Why I’ll turn to food when I’m bad mood now, whereas last time I won’t be like that. Why? How can I stop myself from doing that? I’ve tried many methods, stay positive, but things never work out. Want to be negative [by force], I couldn’t! Why is it so hard to sad?!

Labels: lazy-ness

7:12 PM
ONE PIECE FEVER =D