"One By One"

Saturday, October 29, 2005
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SHIT!!! I gained so much weight --> more than expected!Think must be really cuz i over-ate last night mann... SIANZ...

Tdy went is a busy day again! Full time schedule!

Task #1 --> Go to UIC warehouse (at Jurong) for my MA proj... gotta reach there by 0830 (MADDNESS!)

But i supposed it was a great experience to visit a manufacturing plant (that produce chemical product = detergent). Actually i feel it's rather interesting to have such experience, if there's such a chance 4 me to study and obtain my degree by mere traveling, i think i would be the 1st one to support mann.. it's so much fun to learn from others rather than textbook... (mayb cuz i'm not a BOOK-person?) but really an insightful experience!

Task #2 --> Marketing lesson.

So stressfull always! I was like rushing back to sch with my grumbie-stomach.. have been making so much noise at the interview already! Now finally! but it's like i don't know what to eat in sch, think sch food really cant make it anymore! at 1st still thought of going to raffles city to get subway / (my fav) japanese pancake, but no time lah! the best is that i can get some pao from pick 'n' bites, (cuz i dun think i can da-han till 1.30 break time) Still thought of getting something else during break time, but at the end, 4get it lah!

As usual, she always asked us to do a case study by applying what we have learnt from today lesson, *sigh* i will feel super tired and exhausted when it comes to this part of the lesson, cuz i feel that i'm info-overloaded! Plus i din have enough zzz lah! haiz... But what to do?! Die die also have to pull through!

Another thing is that, i really don't know why am i so useless when it comes to report writing, Yue Min (collat-or) changed the whole my part entirely, i just feel that all my hard work has gone to drain! She said that i didn't add apply any theories / concepts that we've learnt! Haiz.. i really don't know lah! i wonder how they gonna grade me 4 my peers-evalutation! haiz..

Task #3 --> ACF Voting.

Quite happy that Rox got in! Congrads ROX! (though she won't be reading this msg)

Then i was rather tired lah! Brain-drained mann...

After that, cuz i was waiting with Big Nic & Mich 4 their MEN, we chatted alittle and finally ate my craving --> BBQ pork pastry. Then i also don't know why i would tell them about andy... all started with Big nic -- asked about my love life... They are like... "eeee..." actually i somehow expected their reaction, that's Y i din intend to tell them, somemore they see him before and they know him (not personally, but know who he is) they teased me alittle lah! hee... So long nv have such chat liao... really feel qutie nice n fun! Finally feel slightly better about SMU people! But sadly, we are just friends, not really good friends lah! perhaps i can catagorize them as my "colleagues"?! Or mayb slightly higher level than colleagues? when can i find such good friends mann?! Hmmm... really must wait lah!

Task #4 --> Intro Hip Hop Class + Gathering after dance.

Unfortunately, Emmy can't make it again! haiz.. wad a last min notice? and i 4got to bring my contact list, wad to do? wait 4 them and probably changed the chill-out idea to dinner, thou i actually wana skip to compensate 4 my (over) input yesterday. But ... Haiz.. we went 2 Suntec Swensen, ate so much desert and ice-cream... Apple Crumbles and choco with brownies! I really wonder what figure will my weighing machine tell me when i weigh myself tmr mann?! Abit phobia lah! think i really need to work to lose weight! HELP!!!

Whao... so damn tired mann!!! such a busy day! there's more to come! next Monday is Halloween, we intend to go Zouk for the party, but gotta make up and dress up, and now i'm having such a BIG headache, still don't know what to dress up as!!! Cuz if u dressed up, free admission, otherwise, $30-40 admission fees (so not worth it!) i really don't know how?! Actually i'm hesitating in going, feel like mugging, cuz all the project datelines are approaching, plus, i'm more interested in seeing what the other people dressing up as, not that keen in clubbing! (Since i'm not that clubbing sort!) That nite we still have dance (but i'll be very enthu cuz i can have a chance to see him! hee...), then have to bring everythg, so "ma-fan" (troublesome)! I really don't know how mann...

Another thing, Tues we might have audition for Funkamania, i really wish i can get selected, but i doubt so since they R so keen in winning this time round, and with so many competitors this term, i really don't think i will stand a chance! I saw the video 4 art fest, i SUX!!! i really can't believe it! i was like a clown in stage! really didn't know that i was so ugly on stage that nite! Oh Myy... I really must hide my face already!

So... should i still go 4 audition?

12:55 AM
ONE PIECE FEVER =D

Thursday, October 27, 2005
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Well! Today is a super busy day for me! Cuz it's Emix handover! Whao.. keep looking fwd to candace's cooking, still thought of starving 1st, but cant resist from mich's subway club sandwich! haiz.. but prob it's good that i ate, cuz my stomach was "unhappy"! Haiz.. surprisingly, i feel much better after i ate! Whoo.. finally it's the ceremony. it was so much faster than i thought! And at 1st we thought the food was not enough for all of the people, so the exco has to wait 4 everyone to take 1st, if there's extra, then we can eat... (so sad hor?!) But ok lah! we still got alot left, and i even "da-bao" (take away) the remaining Bee-Hoon (my mum's fav)... ~ when i showed her, she was so delighted!!! Anyway, i'm rather happy lah! Cuz i finally gotta eat what i've been waiting for. Actually i wasn't that hungry, but just keep eating cuz the food is just delicious! i cant believe it also --> candace prep 5 items (bee hoon, yam cake, chicken wings, jap jelly, almond jelly), and i ate 2 normal plate size) servings for all the items.. plus 3 cubes of ROYCE choco... OMG! so damn bloated lor... although i feel very satisfied, i still feel very guilty for over-eatting! i think it's cuz i kept thinking of it, so once i can eat that, i'll tend to over-eat! haiz... that's Y i lost control! bad habit!!! But as u can c, the food is really very nice! And everythg is prep by her... (prob her mum helped out as well?!) but i really put my hat off her! how i wish i can cook this well also! think i shld go n learn when i'm free mann.. rather than just bake! haha...

11:39 PM
ONE PIECE FEVER =D

Tuesday, October 25, 2005
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So HAPPIE today! FINALLY! i c him tonite! YES! my Crush-kum-EYE Candy! ~ he came for dance just now! But it's kinda a disappointment cuz i missed the chance of talking to him! i purposely walked near him to talk to Jason (funny & crappy dance mate - kept teasing me as dance instructor who teaches EXOTIC dance), still thought can probably ask him if he has taken his dinner already or something, but... I missed it! Jason kept talking & i couldn't find a chance mann... But just now he seemed abit "attitude" (look) leh! Not like that time i saw him - so cute and friendly. Probably he's not in the mood?! Later, luckily he laughed, kinda feel better.

"Aaoooo..." he "cheered" for the guys just b4 they danced, i guess his mood wasn't that bad afterall. He laughed a few times also... But to9 he just somehow gave me a very "DAO" (arrogant) feel --> don't know why also?! hmmm...

How can i get to know him? I really wonder!!! Actually i do feel abit pai-seh cuz everytime i make mistakes during class, i think he saw (noticed) for sure! But i doubt he knows me, probably just recognise me?! aiya... alot of things running in my head now! Feel like going back to Sec when i just had my 1st crush like that! ~ WHAT SHOULD I DO? {according to my past records, none of my crushes turn out right! ~ that's just SO SAD!!!}

Actually (cuz of him) i intended to sign up for the turn techniques, but it's so damn X! I thought it $88, but u must sign up as member ($50) then u can learn at $88. That means it's $138 in total! Just for turn techniques, 8 sessions, 1 hour each? Really feel very heartache mann... That's Y i changed my mind! But sadly, i missed another chance of seeing him again! haiz... may be we both don't have fate lor?! *sigh*

i really wana dance like him lor.. i also wana go for Funkamania, but it seems like the chances of me getting in is rather slim since they only need 8 people, and there are so many other people better than me, but i kinda wana go for it cuz i can dance with people of my badge and cuz of the choreographer also! Since i've the passion for dance now, i think it's good that i shld "fully utilised" it b4 it dies off. But i really don't know how to competite with the rest --> they all have background and learn steps very fast, unlike me, always so slow in learning! haiz... What a disappointment!? What can i do? Is it really impossible for me to be selected for the competition? How can i outweigh the others? I supposed i shld practise more! But 1st, i must get rid of my laziness mann...

[daydreaming again] *** just imagine i've such great dancer as my BF, then he can teach me and guide me along... i can really imagine the "IF" sencerio mann... Whoooo.. SO SWEET!!!

1:37 AM
ONE PIECE FEVER =D

Monday, October 24, 2005
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Whao... What a fruitful weekend?

That's Y i love Shopping ~ cuz it is always fun and stress-reliever mann!

Unexpectedly, i have bot almost everything from head to toe (clothes, jewelleries) Feel so good despite we spent quite abit. Or mayb i dun feel that bad cuz mummy paid 4 everything, haha... That's Pros 4 going shopping with mum! (and 4 once, this is the one of the smart things i ever done!)

Although this weekend has cheered me up, apparently, the negativities are still deep inside me, i supposed i haven't untie the knots completely as yet. i've brought it up to my mum, and the conclusion for my accurate & detailed analysis is that... I'm just LIKE THAT! it's all inborned! all the traits i possessed - are all passed down from my parents, EXACTLY the same (either one of them)! ~ no wonder they own the tittle of being my parents!

Now i just hope that my dad can have a "smooth journey" in his career! Otherwise, this knot will never be able 2 untie! :(

12:03 AM
ONE PIECE FEVER =D

Sunday, October 23, 2005
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WADDD???? How could i missed my long-waited gathering? ~ i missed my 1s18 gathering!! somemore they went to sentosa, which i have not visited since my 20th bday (this year)! ~ so sad!! :(

THIS 1s18 is one of precious things that i ever have. Still remember last time in SR (1st 3 month), we really "jelled" super well even though most of we don't know each other b4! But may be cuz of Mr. MENON (our GP tutor kum class tutor) - our common target (enemy)! haha.. tat time he scolded the whole class, giving us "roles" --> Me: Movie star, Zhi Jie: Clown... Cuz that day we had PE b4 break, and his class was just after break. All of us were so reluctant to go 4 his class, so we always dili-deli. And that day Zhen Xian (Pang-Zhi = fat boy) and one more guy (can't remember who), 3 of us shared half a water melon, and the greedy me was the last to finished up everything. Then i went to change and slowly strolled to the classroom. Surprisingly, most of them were standing up, Menon was scolding everyone for coming to class late. As my reason was that i went 2 change (from PE attire to sch U), thus i earned my title of MOVIE STAR! Since Zhi Jie laughed at me, he also got himself one--> clown... haha... so damn funny lah! Don't know how on earth gave him all these ideas to scold us mann...

Not only that, we had chalet (at Pasir Ris NTUC) every holiday. It's so fun!

Many of my 1st time experiences are with them:

Pillow Fight

Skipped class to go out of school for lunch

Played pool

"Stayed overnight" with guys (Chalet)

Inspired by Chui Jia for interest in BAKING

Go Chomp-Chomp and Makan

Many many more... Perhpas i might not be able to recall exactly everything, but i can always go back to all the photos we took (we took pic almost everytime we hang out)...

i really miss them.. How i wish i can meet up with them soon! Heard that our next gathering will be on 10 Dec --> still so long ... haiz... And i won't be able to go Sentosa already! (I doubt they will wana go there again!)

Honestly, i'm rather amazed about the chemistry we all have for this class (although it has strunk to such small size), even though we seldom meet up and don't really know each other for very long. i supposed this is one of the nicest gifts i ever have. Thank you very much! Hope our friendship can last!

1:29 AM
ONE PIECE FEVER =D

Saturday, October 22, 2005
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Feel so much better today. I dunno why do i feel so down last nite mann... really wonder why?! But luckily i felt much better! :)

but stupid me! If not because of the slow uploading of photo, i won't be late for my exco meeting and i can save up $2 for being late. So stupid me! but nvm.. i'm gg shopping with my mum tonight! i should be looking forward to that...

finally sch has ended, and i bot quite alot of thgs -- jewellery (unexpectedly), but at least i feel quite happy that i bot things that i like. But i'm still waiting for the day to come --> to buy my targeted bag (from nine-west). Still thinking if i should buy?! hmmm...

well... may be also because i'm wearing my new heels, hee.. tat's Y so happy! But i guessed more delighting is that i got back my marketing results --> though it's not very good, at least it's higher than my expectation, thus, i'm rather contented! But i know i need to achieve better results lah!

My day seems to be quite smooth ya? U are wrong! it has become a total opposite at night when i chatted with ed. i finally have a chance to share my thoughts with someone, thou i only can share this small bits... i just burst without knowing why.. just feel tat there's sth rushed out from my heart and i cant hold it anymore but 2 let it out. i feel very lost, i've no goal, bored, just feel tat i'm just good for / @ anything. All i noe abt myself is all the bad things about myself, i've nothing to be proud of. And i'm such a loser and weak person that is just so insignificant. No one appreciates me, no one wants me. I'm always causing troubles and making people worried about me. I'm just tat tiny little fly and always irritated people. (Not to mention others, i myself also very pissed with myself.) Haiz.. Whatever... there's nothing i can do to make myself feel better i guess... there are just too many things bothering me. I dunno whether if my family problems have affected me as well. -- Probably it does though i try not to think too much. My part-time job, my sch work, my cca... i'm just sux at everything. Seriously, i'm not being pessimisstic but this is the truth, i've no achievement at all. Why m i so lousy and such a loser? Often have an empty mind and just stare in a daze.

U might think that i'm being too particular about my weight as well, but the feeling of not being able to fit into my pants (the 1st time) -- really gets on my nerves. That's so scary! I cant imagine any further. May be u might think that i'm bother too much about how people think of me -- i agree though. And i know i'm a perfectist, that's may be why i'm having such a tough life. But i can't help it, this is just me -- i guess. Whatever it is, i don't think that should be the only cause of all the problems, there are many people out there are perfectist as well. They can live well, but Y can't i? M i really that different & unique from the rest? ---> think no one can answer me cuz i myself dun even know the answer! Worst, i dun have any solution to solve this problem, even if i know the cause, there's nothing i can do about it. SO what's the point?

2:48 AM
ONE PIECE FEVER =D

Friday, October 21, 2005
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I really don't know what's wrong with me?! Everything just seems so out of my way! My life is totally screwed! I've not been doing much but study every single day. I know all of your concerns, but if i still cut down my activities, i'll just have zero activity, currently i'm so lack of social life, CHIN! How much activity can i cut? ~ ZERO! I've no true friends in Uni like u...

I don't memorise everything i study, in fact, most of my modules now require understanding and practices, so i practised! And when i've any problems, i'll ask the prof. But like i said, i've no friends whom i can really hand out with when i'm free, i'm just a total loner. I'm all ALONE! Deep inside me--> there's only ME, MYSELF & I! Being independent?! haha... I think it's more like getting nore detached from the world!

Sometimes i really have a faintest idea why am i so lonely and screwed? tried to blend into the people i know, but things just don't seem to work out. There's always a barrier that keep people away from me. Probably many of them already have their own clique?! To your surprise, i've not go out with a single Uni friend so far. Besides all of us are busy, the main reason is that i dun have anyone to go out with. I mean sometimes we also need to take a breathe out of all school work, but i've no one to look for. Now luckily i still have a friend whom i can somehow share abit of my thoughts with, but it's only sometimes. And cuz he's not in Uni, sometimes i need to explain everything to him so that he can understand my problems. (sometime it just lost the mood to share cuz i've to keep explaining..) But i supposed what he analysized is true --> i'm really like a LOSS SHEEP now! I dun feel to have any goal in my life now! I know what i need & ought to do, but there's no incentive and motivation for me to try hard for the goal! There's a difference between goal that u WANT to achieve and u NEED to achieve. WANT TO: come from your heart, and u will do whatever u can to reach it; NEED TO: obligation to do so, u might be willing 2 do, but 100% that u want to do. And the bad thing is that, i've nothing that i want to (desparately) achieve like that!

I don't really feel stressed until i had tat headache today! I can't believe that I actually went home to take a nap after my morny MA class (test), then went back to school for 3.30 class. Luckily afternoon class was rather relaxed! And most importantly, he didn't return or even mention anythg abt the mid-term test! Then my mind can "rest in peace" for awhile! But just before the class, i felt like puking, bursting; my heart just feels so heavy. Feel a sudden urge to let it out, but there's no one in my mind except for joyce and edmund. however, i received nothing from any of them at all even till the end of the day.

Worst, sth shocking happened at nite... after watching THE TRASPORTER II with teng ren, my head spinned one full round just before i got up the bus. i know i will have slight headache after the movie cuz i've not watch at such late hours for very long, but not SPINNING!!! I really wonder what's wrong with myself! SO scary! That's Y i took panadol before i zzz...

1:20 AM
ONE PIECE FEVER =D

Wednesday, October 19, 2005
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wad a demoralizing day? as expected -> i've got back my mid-term test paper! sianz... still tot i'll do very badly, and the truth is ... YES!! i screwed up again! i've no idea why m i so screw up with sch work (especially)?! When m i gonna have a chance to score well again? Seems like ever since i've entered Uni, i've nv done well in any of my subject! WHY??? last year, perhaps i was not really studying hard, so that can be accounted. But what about this year? i've been MUGGING very hard for the exam, and yet this is wad i get in return? isn't that just so CRAP?! When can i ever get my desired results? Talking about that, i seem like putting on weight everyday. Wad's wrong with me? STRESSED? FRUSTRATED? or just something wrong with my body? i really dunno what's wrong with me?! Just kinda feel like slacking now, in fact i should be studying for tomorrow management accounting test! And just now i didn't intend to eat, yet i ate so much! so much junk food also! Trying so hard to control, but i still lose to my "devil" (temptation)! Or isit my personal problem that is giving me such a headache? But seriously, i was having headache just now (in fact, i still have abit now! tat's Y i ate!), i supposed i'm stressed? Tat's Y i anyhow eat? keep eating and don't feel hungry or full? Really feel very frustrated with myself now! What should i do? i really want to do well this time round! and i don't wana gain wt anymore! sianz... i noe that many pple asked me to change my way of studying, i've tried, but result is still the same! in fact, i think i can understand better with my method, and my prof actually used the same method as i'd (he mentioned in class), but just tat may b i'm just WOLS lor! i seriously think that i'm a retard at times. don't know why y thinking is just so slow! Feel so useless and stupid! No wonder i'm always being "CORNED"!! :(

9:19 PM
ONE PIECE FEVER =D

Monday, October 17, 2005
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Haiz... how come he didn't come again? i was still expecting him to come since tonite class is doing HIP-HOP... at the end, Alicia came to be the assistant. Wad a disappointment?! haiz.. Anyway, tonight dance very FUN [except my eye-candy not here...] mayb he won't come again! =( still thought such vigorous workout + running from Stamdford road's bus stop to Admin Building (cuz i was late!), i will lose weight for sure! ever since after the "FUN" weekend, i put on so much weight mann... really dunno how to lose it! haiz.. so damn sad! Haiz... i'm gaining n gaining n gaining non-stop.. soon i'll become the old FAT-SO again... OH NOoooooo........ I noticed tat my carves are so thick, the whole legs are like pig's legs mann... 2 thick trunks! Argh.. Y cant i be more self-disciplined?! SO shitty mann... :( Anyway, i dun care! i must really lose weight liao.. cant really let this continue or else i really lose the whole control and then i won't be able to revert back to my ideal wt liao.. but now life seems too smooth n easy --> need some form of busy-ness (as in move about) to keep my mind off eating and at the same time use up the excess fats in my body mann.. PLEASE HELP ME!!!

10:40 PM
ONE PIECE FEVER =D

Sunday, October 16, 2005
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So happy tdy! my longly shopping day has finally arrived!!

think tdy is the 1st day (ever since school resume) i wore skirt, short shirt!

~Feel so great mann... (Except for the fats i gained)

Whao.. bot alot of things also.. haha... and i saw 2 bags! <http://www.ninewest.com/s?namespace=catalog&origin=viewall_category.jsp&event=p.shoe&pid=11214&cid=1005#>

Very nice! Whoo... think of the influence of Tracy (saffron hill), i kinda like nine-west stuffs now! Somemore now is the winter season, all the shoes and bags are so nice! Well! Don't know to get which one leh! one is more casual whilst the other one is more formal, but both are very nice lor... shit mann... should i get both or just one?! really cant make up my mind! somemore now there's a 10% discount, and with additional 10% membership discount, i really don't know!!! my mum seems 2 like discouraging me to get it, but i think i will get at least the less formal one! (in the link) - might not look tat expensive on it's own, but when u wear it, it's really nice lor! Must really decide soon! actually, also good lah! then i can use this as my cost-saving excuse and at the same time, lose weight as well! i seriously think i have do sth abt my weight liao. after gg 4 the party lst nite, mayb cuz of the cheesecake, i put on almost 1 kg lor! haiz... then tdy went out with my mum, oso ate alot mann... haiz... sianz... still tot walked alot can help in losing wt, but i realized i just feel tired but wt remains unchanged mann.. sianz... :(

Plus, we all bot alot of food home, think i'm gonna put on more wt again! my mum kept on saying tat i'm too thin, but in fact, she din realize tat i've gained so much wt! even my face oso become so chubby! haiz.. aftering seeing my fatty legs, really feel so disguised with it! i've lost all my "gu-gan" (bone-feel like karen mok)! i really miss that mann.. think i must find a super busy job in dec to help me lose wt mann..

Anyway, really have fun tdy --> mayb cuz long time nv shop till so shiok liao! haiz.. dunno when will we b able to shop again! really think i've alot of things i wana buy mann... now i must really save up 4 my handbag, 208's babies' birthday presents (Wah! 3 of them --> so many mann!) Worst, now no income, think this month pay will be very little only! So SAD!!! think i really nit a rich bf 2 "yang" (take care of) me already!

Not forgetting!! Dear MJ, HappIe BirThday!!!

11:00 PM
ONE PIECE FEVER =D

think i'm just so dao-mei tdy! another unproductive day! haiz.. i noe tat i'm gg 4 a party to9 (Emix gathering), yet i still eat so much in the morny! haiz... think eating a big breakfast isnt i good practice! i shld change mann.. i zZz the whole afternoon lor.. OMG!!! i still tot of taking a short nap, but i was like zZz from 2+/3 till 5+/6 lor! Still tot of not gg to the part tat early lah since everyone said they will go quite late. but at the end, i was too W-O-L-S again and then ended up being LATE again! haiz... somemore i was super dao-mei, cuz of rushing, i 4got 2 bring my HP!!! i still tot of nvm! but i realize that i dunno how to go her place, and i dun rmb her exact address! SHIT!! feeling super terrified and worried, thinking of taking a cab as final resort, but i realize tat i cant even take cab cuz i dun have the exact address! HOW m i gonna get the taxi-driver to send me there? Really shitty mann... then i was trying to recall the map and method of getting there, as i was searching on the internet last nite. When i alighted, i was so frightened tat i got the wrong stop, cuz i dun c any sterling road sign board as i took the bus... oh mann... now i noe the importance of my hp! the people at the bus stop were really nice! they offered me to call up my fwen, and trying to give me direction. Unfortunately, they are giving me bad news --> one said sterling road is at Clementi; the other said Bukit Merah, how?! but wad i can conclude is that it's not at Bukit Timah?! Luckily i trusted my memories, the direction she told me via email. AND... Heng ah! i managed to find them! YES!!! Mayb my luck isnt tat bad afterall?! And party was rather fun lah! i was as blur as usual! But i was rather happy lah! Guess too long nv have gathering like tat... hope to have more mann... But the highlight of the day is... i gotta sit on the Mercedes SLK-Class, my 1st time sitting in a (Hard cover) convertible!!! (my dream car!!) Whao... BUT really stupid me! shld have ask my fwen to open the top roof, i was really stupid! only think of that when i was in my bathroon showering! DUMBO MOI!!! ~ dunno when will i have such fortune to sit again mann...

How i wish i can have a BF who is so rich mann... actually i cant tell that he's tat rich! It's his parents' car, but i can tell he's rich mann.. he's now using the Nokia 8800 lor.. So envious! If i can have such a rich bf, whao... i really can indulge myself liao.. haha... *daydreaming again...* Just a little tot, actually he's not bad lah! --> talkative, funny, gentleman... Quite suitable for my criteria... but unfortunately, dun thk he'll be interested in me lah! he has more other choices - i supposed!

1:32 AM
ONE PIECE FEVER =D

Saturday, October 15, 2005
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sometimes i really think i'm so lack of social life... i've been trying hard to study and hoping that i can do better this term, but how come i'm just so not achieving it? instead, more negative i feel about it as time goes... What is wrong with me? I can feel that i'm not the ususal high-spirt, noisy and crazy self 4 very long, everyone says i'm tired! even a long lost friend whom i just talked to last nite on msn, he also said i'm tired! i mean i haven even meet up with him 4 like years, and only chat with him this 2 days, and he could actually sense that i'm tired. M i tat tired?! But how? how can regain my "normal" self again? Actually i can feel that i'm quite inclined to the negative side --> i don't even feel excited about going shopping (one of my favourite activities). In fact, i'm so lost --> always daydreaming (or should i say stoning?!) such inactive self is really me?! I supposed people who know me, they will surely find it very weird! What a pity news?! Actually, i think another reason is cuz i feel very lonely inside me, i like to chat / tok / laugh... (all the mouth activities), but i'm so deprived of it; everyday study or do work ALONE! no one to tok or laugh to crap with. And when it's time to tok rubbish, i cant utter anymore rubbish cuz i'm so used to keep quiet. I DUN WAN!!! i dun wan such a boring life! Can someone get me out of here? I tried telling my mum how bored i feel, as expected --> useless! She just claimed that it's inevitable to feel that way, u have to prepare for exam, so umust study... blah blah blah! that's Y i dun like to share my feelings with my mum tat much nowadays. Despite i tried explaining to her the reasons, she just dun seem to share the same view as me, or even trying to understand how i feel. Haiz... Last time at least i've dear to cheer me up, having him by my side to fill up by boredom, laugh with, watch movie with, dine with, knowing more things around me... Haiz... really miss those moments very very much! At least i won't feel bored! And everytime thinking of meeting him at nite, i'll be even more motivated to study cuz at least i've sth to look fwd to. So i wun dili-deli and waste time. But now... i wun have such luxury already! Haiz... :( And i really don't know how 2 make myself productive and have balanced lifestyle! i agree that i'm tired, but seem like i've so much work to do, without muct results, i don't dare to take a (relatively) "long" break (let's say one full day), i will just feel guilty! I dun dare to slack but sometimes i'm really feeling very sleepy --> perhaps i'm just lazy n feel like zzz (excuse?!), tat's Y i dun dare to take too much break but try to tell myself tat i've to work! And now, my room has became an in-conducive place 4 me to study! i always slack around whenever i'm in my room. In my house, i'll always tempted to eat! haiz... (no wonder i put on so much weight ever since i studied at home everyday last week!!!) really hate it cuz i've been putting even more wt now! All my pants (waistline) so tight lor! Feel really irritated and sick of myself! Not only i irritated with myself, jimmy also. This few days seems like i shouldn't have go back to saffron to work, seems like making the situation worse! --> long story! think i shall tell u more next time lah! but now i think he just dislike me in all aspect lah! and i seem like i worth nth in saffron now! still tot i can hold this part-time job till i graduate! But now... think i better work hard in Dec to FIND another job mann... or else, i really dunno how 2 survive! Must really get more earning!!! So broke lor! I've so many things i wana buy... really dunno how?! somemore all are long term investment, really need alot of $$$ mann... :( Mayb i shld just get a suga-daddy lah! Haha... =p

2:10 PM
ONE PIECE FEVER =D

Friday, October 14, 2005
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~It's just so damn freaking unproductive day tdy! ~ i was like thinking of studying at pacific cafe, so spent abit of $$$ to buy a cup of hot choco, at the end, i ended up reading not even half of the chapter, and i decided to return home. i was still looking fwd 2 sunday, as i can go shopping finally! but i cant study and i wasted so much money! shld have just gone 4 the Art Fest gathering @ $10 (which is approx how much i spent tdy!) and socialise mann... stupid me! but ok lah! at least i bot sth back when i returned home --> i 've bot my watch! haha... thou it's not red color stripe! but not bad! i can always buy the stripe from somewhr else! but just tat it's not as huge as candace's (my Emix mate) one! i've been influenced much by her taste mann.. i used to hate Gold, but now.. cuz of her, i start to like gold and all the luxurious-looking goods. Oh no.. how i wish i can b a rich kid too?! haiz...

11:25 PM
ONE PIECE FEVER =D

Heard of W-O-L-S??? YES! tat's the best word 2 descibe me now! this few days i've been studying, trying 2 catch up with my studies, but seems like i'm too slow & not utilising my time @ optimal level! ~ Sound so formal ya?! haha.. (Mayb study too much?) well.. acutally when i think back, i doubt all Uni-students have to study like me --> from morny till nite (almost non-stop) in order to do well. i believe they do have some kind of social life -- m i rite? how come i dun have? i nv go out with my fwenz (cuz all of them are so busy), practically do my sch work for my living... feeling so dull everyday... u can see it (on ur own) from my dressing nowadays (Cuz the way & style of an individual's dressing do suggest the mood & personality of tat person) -> super boring! (given tat i'm someone who like to dress up) haiz.. wad 2 do? i think i'm too BORED & LONELY!!! i have no craving even though i tried to think so hard of all my favourite food ... i don't feel "motivated" in buying despite i thought of buying the things on my shopping list... i can feel tat i'm not very productive in my study progress... (or issit i'm just SLOW & need so much more time to absorb as compared to others?!) Perhaps i shld get a BF 2 sayang me & add color in my life ya?! haha.. I guess it's so hard to do so, i even have problem in gg out with my closest fwenz... besides, i just feel guilty whenever i'm nt studying... i think i need to do away tat mindset... cuz everyone need breaks regardless of the amount of work to be done. i understand tat and i'm trying 2 do so, but seems like my motivation just continue 2 drop while my weight (shown on weighing machine) shoot up. i have no idea y issit so, cuz ever since i study outside (from home), i nv munch anymore n have proper a proper meal (one & for all) everyday. WHY? issit cuz i'm so in active nowadays & my metabolic rate drops too? and leads to the SLOW absorption? ~it could be! But most importantly, WAD SHOULD I DO THEN? Someone out there please help me!!! i'm really dying from this boredom & loneliness... :(

12:52 AM
ONE PIECE FEVER =D

Wednesday, October 12, 2005
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HaPPie Bday ChiN!!!

Well! Tdy is ur Big Day! Glad 2 be able 2 wish u @ 12mn mann.. haha... @ least i made it on time. Once again! May ur wishes come true!!! And find ur *someone* soon!!! ;)

Actually i was abit disappointed abt wad u suggested last nite -> i've thought of it lah! As in he's attached. Well.. Wad 2 do? This is always the case! e arrow always headed in one-direction, hardly u will find a reciprocal one. Thus, if u ever found one, pls cherish it! Dun let it go so easily! I know i used 2 think it'll come & go, so it doesn't really matter much! But ever since the last one tat i'd, i realized tat it doesn't come tat easy, & letting it go is even more difficult! So TREASURE it while u still have, otherwise, u will end up like me -> REGRET!

~Actually it's quite a sad case 4 me hor? Finally i have a crush 4 someone, yet this particular one might have GF already! haiz... let me do more research 1st -> hopefully it'll be a good news instead!

11:51 AM
ONE PIECE FEVER =D

Monday, October 10, 2005
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My gosh!!! Y do i feel so terrible??? Seriously! Having migraine isn't something funny. My head hurts so much yet i can't do anything about it except zZz, but worst is my head is full of thgs - i just can't zZz well -> Probably i'm lack of zZz for the past few days?! What 2 do? 3 papers consecutively in 2 days, then immediately work 2.5 days in a roll... how can i not be STRESS? Haiz... i also dunno why m i so busy! Everyone said i'm very busy, probably i made myself so?! Well... I think it's cuz i'm someone who like 2 be kept occupied, i feel very weird when i'm idle. U might said i'm a workaholic or someone who just have "stings" grown on the butt lah (can't sit still)! Actually i was rather disappointed about myself tdy -> as in i didn't accomplish what i've targeted to do (slacked the whole day), the only productive thing i did was zZz & Dance. I was expecting him 2 be dere, i even tidy up my hair abit (wich i normally dun bother), hoping to leave him a good impression(if he ever notice me). I rushed like mad -- hoping that i'm not late. PHEW!! i reached just on the dot (8pm). Looking around the whole entire studio, i still thought Lionel hasn't reach yet cuz i dun think i c him... But Lionel was there already, WHERE is HE? Is he late again? waiting & waiting... HAiz... i guess i gotta give up hope of seeing him tdy! Probably cuz this new studio is kinda small, so he's not needed to be around. Then lidat jialat lah! Cuz next Mon we R having dance dere again. Then wouldn't i miss another chance of seeing him again? We have only a few more lessons left. Haiz... What a disappointment? ;( Well... @ 1st still tot of gg home straight 2 compensate what i've missed 4 study tdy, but @ the end i went 4 a drink with Big Nic, Audrey & lerxin. What a long time i ever have such a gal-tok already. Even thou they were all toking abt dance (the pple in tis industry), i enjoyed listening - to know more abt it despite i might not know who they are. Then they were mentioning abt yday - actually they went 4 the free dance trial class yday. Haiz.. i still tot they didn't go cuz no one follow up the email. Then i found out tat Andy is only 21 years old. OMG!!! He's so young! I tot he would be like 24-25 lidat (by calculation). Whao... Not bad! DAMN it! Y didn't i go yday? Or else i can get a chance 2 c him already! Wad a waste? After listening 2 all of their discussion on dance, i suddenly have the urge 2 join dance outside eMIX also. But which one shld i choose? Lionel's? Or Studio Wu (most of eMIX gals R in it)? If i choose Lionel's -> then i can c him... haha... oso, cuz they were copmaring him with Ryan they all, saying tat the style is different (Ang-Mo mah!). But nobody accompany me! That's so scary! I think i must really give it a deeper thought 1st cuz it's not cheap lor! hmm... ;? Actually i shldn't feel guilty abt hanging out & not using tat time 2 study cuz i supposed i shld socialize alittle whenever i can. Somemore know more abt my surrounding!!! haha.. well! At least i found out sth abt him. =p That's Y i was qutie interested in the Holloween Party @ Zouk on 31 Oct, sounds so exciting! Esp after hearing Audrey saying how they are gonna dressed up and all... buying all the costume online... But tat's make me wonder wad shld i be wearing?! If not cuz Lerxin asked me, i think i probably will give it a miss again. I supposed it's time 4 me to take breaks occasionally! So thinking of that, i must work even harder than usual now, so i won't feel so guilty abt not studying! =)

11:58 PM
ONE PIECE FEVER =D

Monday, October 03, 2005
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"Life's too SHORT... DANCE!"

~Always make me feel so happy & great! YES!!!~ Well! As usual – MONDAY dance! Haha… @ 1st I was rather lazy n reluctant to go cuz of exam this week. But wad to do? Who asked me to put on wt? Haiz… gotta sweat it out mann… anyway, it’s good 2 go 4 dance -> cuz exercise can help me 2 feel more refreshed & study better! So I managed to drag my feet out of the house after locking in for 3 days already! “AMAZING HUH?!” Woo… always feel kinda a spark of excitement when I see him… ANDY – Lionel’s (dance instructor) assistant. Actually I din really notice him until now, plus that time Teng Ren (my OG junior – one of my recent suitor – dancer in his studio as well) told me abt him… · Graduated from LaSelle Art (Dance) · Have been dancing for quite sometime (that’s Y he is so good) · Very flexible -> can kick 180 degrees very casually even when he is standing

Well... Researched on him alittle...

ANDY CAI Founding member/Dancer Started formal training at the age of 17 under the direction of Lionel. Trained in ballet, modern, jazz, hip-hop and salsa. Currently a third year student at LaSalle SIA College of the Arts and is in preparation of final year project due for completion in mid April. Performed in Taiwan for the World Dance Alliance in 2004. Performed in ‘Shutter’ choreographed by Jaime Redfern. Participated in CSTD competition in the modern and jazz solo catergory and was awarded a honourable mention. ~Really something, isn't he?! Hmm... I mean I dun doubt wad TR said cuz he himself also very good lor! If he said tat Andy is really tat good, I guess he really is. Besides, tat time I heard from Wilson (another eMIX intro hip hop member) also said he is very good. Hmm… since so many pple said he’s tat good, plus from my observation in class, I think I’ve to agree with them mann… really wana see him dance mann… So excited! Just now finally talk to him, “Haven taken ur dinner?” cuz I saw him holding the subway sandwich (the longest size) & a drink. “No” he giggled. “Whao… think u better hurry take!” But he was doing some stretching. “We R dancing inside (studio)?” cuz he saw a few of us entering the studio. “No lah! They R taking the Hi-Fi out.” “Oh… sorry!” ended up with a smile. ~ His voice quite cute – just like his size = small & with boi-boi look. My eyes just can’t stop looking @ him mann… (Of cos! Not only tat lah! Must follow his dance steps mah!) But seeing him praising Alexis, teaching one of the guy @ interval… I really think he is quite a nice guy leh! His smile really add credit 2 my impression of him. Anyway, just like me – he made a lot of mistakes tdy, like when Lionel told him to demo, he did a left turn instead of right (or vice versa). Somehow feel that he got look @ me leh! (From the mirror reflection) - or may be it’s just my wish lah! Haha… B4 he left, he (& Lionel) said Bye-Bye 2 ME (only) when I said to them. Haha… Dunno leh! Just now when I was on my way home, I daydreamed a little. So long nv day-dreamed already! “What kind of girl does he like?” “Does he has a GF already?” “What if he has a crush on me also?” “What shall I do?” I even think of if I were 2 b his GF, may be he will send me home after dance; then when he has dance, I will wait 4 him; he can teach me dance also… (Full of imagination huh?!) Think I really too long nv have crush already! Feel abit like Secondary Sch mann… Haha… not bad to stir up my excitement & hope this can convert into motivation 4 me to improve in my dancing & wt-losing plan lah! Let’s see how things go… (Although I think the possibility is rather low lah!)

Miracles do happen!

11:57 PM
ONE PIECE FEVER =D

39.5 -> 40.5 -> 41.3 -> 42.1 -> 43 ... WHEN WILL IT STOP INCREASING??? U may think that these # dun really make much sense to u, but they R seriously significant 2 me -> cuz this was wad my weighing machine shows me everyday since sch resumed. I have no idea why is my wt so easy to fluctuate?! Having such a hard time to maintain my ideal wt, and cuz of the change in lifestyle (from Saffron to SMU), my wt oso change accordingly. This is so irritating. Esp now it’s my exam period, I always gain wt during this MUGGING period. WHY? Cuz I keep staying at home n munch so much junks issit? I dunno why m I so mouth-itchy also. But I mean I tot I’ve been eating rather regular now -> bread n nothing much… I supposed must be tat time art fest -> ate much more & gained muscles, now not much exercises & ended up gaining so much wt (that’s Y I dun like muscles). I think I’m not determined enough to lose wt as yet. Actually I think another reason is cuz I’m too detached from outside world -> lack of motivation & drive to make me lose wt! Haiz… think I must really “get attached” with the outside world again after this Fri mann… Think many of u think I must be over-reacting with my wt-gain, actually I’m so particular abt my wt is cuz I’ve really put in a lot of effort in achieving this wt (u wouldn’t want to know the whole painful process) still remember I managed to about 12 kg in abt 6 months in J2. Haha… wad a sense of achievement, rite? Then I was suffering from “wt-fluctuation”, it became so difficult to control. But eventually, I managed to control it without merely surviving on fruits & oil-free food (really zero-oil content). Guess with my greedy & “auntie” personality – always feel like eating & trying when there’s FREE food, so at the end, I cant control the quantity that I eat. As a result, I suffer from wt-fluctuation again. Furthermore, I always take things for granted – once I lost wt, I will always think that I will maintain my wt without having much restriction in my diet. As a result, ate too much / fattening food -> more fats stored also. Another possible reason is that I’m too impressionable already. Everytime when others said I’m too skinny & should eat more, subconsciously I’ll think I can afford to eat more since everyone says I’m so thin, but I’m wrong. Perhaps fats dun shown after one-two days, but one week later & I bet u can really see results! (This is for pple who wana gain wt so badly) Can someone out there to teach me how to maintain the amount that I eat? I’m really desperate!!! I really dunno how 2 stop myself even though I’m full. Mayb I should eat with pple more often -> so I’ll eat even slower, distracted from talking and feel full faster & wun overeat. SOMEONE pls help me in losing wt mann… I hate FATS!!!

3:04 PM
ONE PIECE FEVER =D