What's wrong with myself tdy? i thought i was ok?! i was peacefully studying - only that i was abit tired - prob slept too much? (but it's only 8 hours!) i guess it must be cuz of the "lack-of-zzz" from the past 2 weeks. Everyday is dance practice n practice n practice for tmr art fest. practised so hard yet cant perform well on stage. wad's the point? i can dance properly n in fact, satisfactory during our practices. but Y everytime we on stage, i just cant dance properly? issit cuz i'm really tat nervous? i dunno?! i dun feel nervous until they said so. i just feel tat i lost focus whenever i perform. i have no idea y issit so. can someone tell me why? tdy i msg adrian, cuz my mum asked me abt borrowing the vcd (jin-zhi-yu-ye). he just replied "not possible". y must u be so harsh n blunt with me? but i guess i shld thank him 4 replying me msg rite?! mayb cuz of this issue - i feel kinda disturbed and cant perform properly. i really have no idea wad's wrong with me?! just now wen i was gg home, i oso dunno y i just cant stop thinking of him. i was imagining him bringing me to all the different places - like when 16 passed by indoor stadium, then i tot of him bringing me to just stroll there.. n spending time tgr! i really miss u, adrian! i guess i still love u as much! y cant u just give me another chance but have to be so mean to me? u really hate me so much? i cant 4get the time we have tgr. i really hope u can b beside me n comfort me now. i feel very lost n lonely. i just feel very tired; left with nobody. i wana to have someone there to sa-jiao, someone there to pamper me, to fetch me here n there; go yum-cha tgr; watch movies and all... i really really miss u very much! suddenly i feel tat i hv very LOW self-esteem. i hv no confidence in myself. Y? m i tat lousy? how come i feel tat nobody likes me, esp in sch now?! m i tat diff from the emix gals? how come i feel so different from them n like cant blend into them lidat?! surely i wun be able to get the VP post anyway, with my low self-esteem. haiz... Y m i so lousy?! always so weak? everyone is worrying abt me -> wad's wrong? i appreciate those care & concerns, but Y m i making every1 to worry abt me? cuz i cant take care of myself? i feel so useless n helpless. i hv no one to turn to; unlike in the past, i can tell dear straight and he will just comfort me in a guidance manner. i feel so much stronger n confident with him around. now wad happen to me mann? isit cuz like that i kept myself so busy so i wun think of him? i just kept myself busy 4 no reason. seems like i'm neglecting my studies again. everyone is like telling me tat his reason 4 dumping me is just to make it sound nice. but i still think that he was telling me the truth. i believe in him - he is not tat sort of play-play-only kind of guy. anyway, jimmy oso said he is a nice guy, jimmy will not lie 2 me anyway. just now my morale was so low - have no idea i stuck wen i'm on stage. just burst lidat. mayb cuz of mood-swing? headache? this few days i ate alot - cuz everyone is like saying that i look very pale & like lost wt lidat. somemore everyday dance practice - made me ate more also. christine (QM) was like so shocked that i gain wt despite i dance, cuz she lost 3kg wen she danced. i tot i was just gaining muscles, but seems like my wt just increasing n increasing tgr with my appetite... i dun wana gain wt anymore. think it's so hard to return to the amt i ate when i was working mann... think i nit to go back to saffron hill then can lose wt... so sad!!!!!!!!!!!! think aft tmr - art fest, my appetite will remain as high but metabolic rate will decrease - so will gain more wt! sianz... think i must learn to eat less again. prob use save $ as a good guide 4 tat. Haiz... now recently i feel so negative n all - i think i'm still very distant from the rest of the emix exco leh. dunno y is my mentality so low, i feel stupid n slow when i'm with them. how come they can dance with such style but i cant? it shldnt b the case wad?! all of us are same age, just that they have dance background & experiences. But i oso have performace experiences, how can i b so screwed up? anyway, now i'm taking 4 modules, i shld be able to cope better n do well in my studies. issit cuz i'm too stress n tired? tat's Y i'm so inefficient? seems like everyone has no confiendence in me but worries abt me. Rmb on thurs rehearsal, everyone asked me wad happen, i felt so small suddenly. perhaps it's really cuz my "Japanese Aunt" just visited me, tat's Y i looked so pale. n tat's Y i've all these mood swing and uncertainties. still tot of participating with them in the biotherm opening ceremony, but i think they will probably not put me in since time constraint is a factor & my speed of learning is slow. haiz... practised so many times still cant make it, sometimes i'm really very frustrated with myself. Y m i so timid n retarded? so not-well-liked by pple? dunno how to socialise? so lousy in everything... WHY??? i just feel tat i worth nothing. now i dun even feel like doing anythg - but just to slack... (having in mind tat i've 2 presentations & 1 test this week...) i'm still so blur in my marketing presentation lor.. feel so damn bad 4 being a slepping member now! i really dunno how leh... my dark-circles make me look so damn haggered. i dun wan. so ugly n make everyone to worry abt me again. how can i b strong again? i feel very soft n weak! =( can someone come n sayang me? somemore chun jing left already - actually last nite wen i tot of her leaving, i really felt like crying n very sentimental. too bad - i cant really chat with her n tok to her much cuz teddy n her parents are around. esp her mum - actually i wana tok to her, but gotta tok to her mum, so dun really have much time to tok to her. actually i wasn't really that shocked abt her double eye-lid plastic surgery, mayb i was too tired?! but she looks different lah. wad to do? eye is the window of soul wad?! i dunno how to tell the rest of the 208 anyway. i saw her plastic spects - actually i wana buy 4 quite sometime already, dunno shld buy or not?! dun really like to wear spects leh.. if were to b spoilt-brag : i will prob go n get one; but think again : lo-dou now jobless, shldnt spend so much $ unnecessarily, thou he said ok. i oso wana buy alot of thgs - like hp, the jacket i saw in mango ($99 -> thinking of buying during end of yr sales), laptop... aiya.. actually i kinda wana buy alot of things, but i guess i'm too tired to have the mood to go out n have fun already. despite all the wants, i dun have mood n $. how i wish dear is with me now?! den have someone to YANG me... so nice n sweet!!! can eat good food n get new stuffs without spending my own $. Wad to do?! now can only eat bread (cheap food) n dun buy anythg lor. but cuz of cost-saving --> tend to be very greedy and eventually even more than my usual portion; which will gain more wt! Wad shall i do? how to learn to control mann?! haiz.. so lousy n self-discipline oso... dunno why leh?! mayb writing dairy helps? or cuz of the sad moments have passed? i feel much better now! think i shall write more rather than having it to be a frozen account. anyway, i din really tell many pple of my blog, so not really alot of pple will be able to find me! haha...