rejection... loneliness... disappointment... insecurity... stupid... tension... peer pressure... competitiveness... unhappiness... boredom... useless...

this is what i'm feeling now! i know my life never seems good - 4 - long! in fact, i think i never feel happy 4 long also... and it's getting from bad to worst as time goes on... i'm like just keep losing things that are closed to me and get myself unhappiness in return... Detriment? Retribution? - i dunno either?! perhaps, it's just my luck is dying... 1) mobile phone's LCD screen just blanked; and it costs $ 185 to repair the screen only. But my concern is the memorable value of this phone - it's my 1st gift from dearie. Still rmb he gave me at Swisshotel, kept inside the safe, trying to get me 2 find it on my own. And the 1st picture is taken from the balcony - the top view of explanade & the picture of me wearing the pink dress, holding the 1st & last bouquet of flowers that he gave me... the few pictures that we took tgr at his office... now i can't even c any of them. 2) after attending the [ethics] class yday, i felt horrified & super pressured. the prof is so intimidating - he's like calling upon everyone to answer his qnz in class, and he'll called [especially] those who were not paying attention to him. i was trying to pay 101% attention in his whole 3 hour class - feel so stressed! but at the same time, i just feel that i'm unlikely going to do well this sem already! after attending all my 1st class this sem, it's either the peers who are taking the modules / expectation & standard of the modules, i just have a very bad feeling i won't be able to outperform the others. and now i really need to score extremely well to pull up my accumulated GPA. i have no idea how m i gonna do that!? 3) in relation to the above, i somehow feel that i won't be able to get a good paying job in future since my results are so poor still, i'm "worthless" in the market! i dun (and won't) get honors, having only ONE [common] major - marketing. my incapablility and "slowness" won't bring me far also. and without much (or even any) good point / achievement about myself, i really have no idea how will i survive in future? i just feel that i'm a complete useless person. 4) my dance club also exerting pressure on me: they wan me to return to the intro hip-hip (beginner class) despite now i'm attending both regular (performing team) & intro hip-hop class. i just feel that it's more of a political issue than all the other "reasons" (excuses) that they were saying, trying to brain-wash me. especially the way that mich approached me, or should i said she just said that in front of the rest of the exco? plus the way she put it sounded that she has already made that decision, and just waiting 4 me to say YES! despite she said it's my choice to choose to continue this way / just return to intro hip-hop. actually i have nothing against attending intro, just that i dun really like the way she conveyed her msg. and worst, she still continued to talk to me MORE abt this issue where we have decided to let me have some time to think about it. i noe where my standard is - still quite far from the rest of the class, but they were like saying that my main [and only] reason 4 attending both classes is 4 bonding, and now bonding is no longer necessary, so i should "return home". then Nic (out of concern) was trying to tell me abt where they come from, i noe her kindness of talking to me on this, but i just don't want to continue this topic b4 i've digested the whole "decision". i believe now i've no say at all since all of them are like "psycho-ing" me. i guess i can only accept. actually i just feel that i've nth to contribute and dunno how to blend into them so that we can work more smoothly. there's no chemistry in all of us at all, in particular, i have no chemistry and sense of belonging with anyone inside at all even thou i might be closer to vida n nic since i know them b4-hand. just feel kinda left-out and bored when i go 4 meeting. now if i'm withdrawn from regular class, i just feel that i'll be even further away from them. all their small little jokes and chit chats, gossips... it's just feel even worst lor! they dun c that it does help 4 me to attend regular class. i just somehow feel like giving up on them and the club suddenly. there dun seem to have much incentive 4 me to contribute like that. 5) one of the BIG thing happened - louis used mind-game to "play" me out. i feel so damn cheated and stupid 4 me to show sympathy and feel bad of receiving all his "kindness & sincerity". and now i'm even more disguisted with him as he's like trying to gain sympathy from me, sweet talking & behave as if he's very pitiful, regret 4 what he've done. i just feel so SICK 4 all his actions. just don't feel like talking to him at all - i also dunno why!? i thk he worthes a peanut 4 me to consider. but i have decided tat he have to learn a lesson, and i shall be the "teacher" this time... 6) everythg just all happened b4 my 21st birthday, in fact, at the very beginning, i already feel quite neutral about my bday this year, despite it should be a BIG bday. but come and think abt it, i've no expectation from anyone at all. there's no incentives / excitment 4 me to look fwd to next monday even. seems like it'll just pass as none other than a normal dull school day! probably i will just feel even more lonely and bored. just now on my way home, tears just dripped down. i have no idea why m i so negative suddenly. but i just feel very down just now. just trying to think of someone to share my woes with - there's no one in my mind. seraching high n low from my brain, alot of faces went through my mind like falshes, but none of them stopped. the only one whom i possibly feel very much to talk to is dear, but it's impossible now. thus, the sudden loneliness filled my heart with more sourish sore. m i tat unlucky? y do i keep feeling this ever since dear left me? or issit after i enrolled to uni?