Surpringly that i'm still awake at this hours ... it's 3.50 AM! Actually it's cuz i was rushing my part of report for my meeting later (at 9am) - luckily my BOSS didn't come today AGAIN, so i got the whole day doing research for my report materials, otherwise, i might be still doing now! Hmm... now finally got a chance to stay up late n just "hang around" - the feeling is really great! Just now as i was online, i met a few friends - and combining all the other earlier comments given, everyone seems to quite like melissa [from the pageant] - somehow i think i'm facing a threat now! a very tough competition is just rite in front of me. at 1st, i still thought i have the "surely-win" kinda quality. but now, i think i can't be so sure anymore. Besides, as i saw myself in the mirror yday, my arms are so chunky (or better description: muscular) now. The more i see just now, the more disguisted i feel. Honestly, i feel kinda low morale in dieting and trying to lose weight like i used to in the past. Apparently everyone told me i look fine in photos, but the thing is that they haven't see the ugly angles of me as yet. That's y no one believe me! Even the least chance of growing fat - my arms - are getting so big now. I'm putting on weight, gaining muscles - which i don't like, cuz i'll look so chunky, losing the sleek / bone-feel of a feminine kind of feel / look. i really feel very tired of it. i mean there's no motivation at all to drive me through this period of weight loss. Somehow i miss working at Saffron in the past, i always lose weight by working there, especially during such a long vacation. i really think that i can't be a office girl in future! i think ever since i work at firmenich, everyday keep sitting down, face the comp and do all the "brainy" designing job, my body starts to store fats. And comparing with my very 1st day there, i have never return to my original weight at all, but just keep increasing. i get hungry easily too. Really! ~ office girl is not my cup of tea! I know everyone must be damn Sian - Zhi - Bua with my recent entries --> all about my irritation from failure of weight loss. But i really have nowhere to throw my tantrum at/ to. So pardon me! Well... i think i need to have some kinda of ultra busy schedule, which requires me to move around lot, but not so much on the thinking - so i can be occupied without thinking that i have to eat to keep my brain active. Now i think everytime i keep giving myself excuses that i have to eat so that i can think properly [ i know it's true, but... ], but the thing is that i tend to overeat. Eat even though i'm actually not really that hungry. I'm having eating disorder again - i think. i kinda trying to switch back to munching again. Will it work? Hope so! But also cuz last year i just broke up with Adrian, which brought my mind away till for very long. So my focus was never be on food. Besides, that time i even thought of not eating for his sake, hoping that i can get him back. Very childish huh!? Well.. LOVE is BLIND. U will do anything for LOVE. Trust me! Well... Maybe it's a good sign that i'm eating well n looking so fat now - cuz i have no stress & living kinda happy?! But i think i surely can be living happily whilst i'm satisfied with my body! Now i'm totally disguisted with my body - so inproportionate ~ "like a little tea pot -> short & fat!" ~ i don't mind looking skinny & small, i rather be small than to be big n fat n short. Haiz... everything seems so fine for me, but why just this "shi-yue" (core weakness) is happening to me? i never do anything outragous what!? WHY?? WHY??? TELL ME WHY!!! Will i be able to return to my original shape? - ideally like my 21st bday that time? => But i guess it seems impossible! Last time i can dahan n skip meals, now seems like my self-discipline is so weak, i can't resist to temptaton at all - LOUSY ME!