Since when I become so lazy? It’s so unlike me to ROT at home consecutively for the past 2 days, just staring at the computer for the whole day, and finally finished watching my hk drama dvd, haha… what an achievement?!

It’s so rare rite? I don’t even want to meet anyone. And today I just found out that my mum is off, but the thing is that she don’t even want to go out with me, but go out with that XYZ, the reason being that she will spend less $. WHAT the **** ???

I somehow I just feel like getting into depression mode, have no interest in anything other than related to myself, the feeling of falling out of love, the feeling of only myself is in this world, I don’t even feel like celebrating my bday! Perhaps I should just go n work! At least I can earn some $ also!

I’m scare of what I’m taking this sem, initially I planned in such a way that I should have 2 exams, but ended up the prof all changed, and left with only projects, and individual report! I’m not good at writing report, and it’s 40%, but… haiz…

Sometimes deep inside me really just want to cry out loud, and get all these emotions out of me, but I can’t do it. I have no tears to shed, no reasons to stir up that emotions and cry out loud, it’s all embedded inside somewhere which I can’t find it. I want to be completely negative, but I just can’t do it. Why? Is it so hard for someone to feel negative?

I don’t want to meet anyone. I don’t have the mood to entertain anyone. I just feel like becoming the SM that I used to be when I just broke up with Adrian, where I’m so lost, so heartbroken, so no-mood to do anything. But… I can’t do it right now. I’m emotionless; my heart is no longer made of human flesh, but just some hard artificial machinery. But why ain’t my stomach made of such material as well? Then I don’t have to eat and still can operate, just need electricity (sleep) and able to charge up the energy lost. And then there won’t be any fats, but able to keep thin forever and ever!

I’ve kept my promise since DAY 1, but when is the DAY 1? DAY 2? There’s always a new date for my Day 1, but never seem to have more than Day 1, why am I so lousy? Where is the determination that I used to have? No exercise to lose muscles, then how about the food I’m consuming? Why can’t I just resist the temptation from eating all the nonsense, and just eat what I’m supposed to? I’m really pissed off with myself for not being able to keep my own promise. I think I should just BAN myself from meeting up with people, so no temptation from eating what I’m “forbidden” to eat, recoup my own saving, able to feel DOWN, reach my goal of losing weight! Some people said I lost weight, but I think it’s cuz my grown hair that create that illusion, my jeans & pants are getting tighter, who could I lost weight where my clothes are getting smaller for me? Clothes shrunk? Haha… it’s just 1 of the comforting excuses. I don’t know what should I do?! I only know so far only that time when I had a lost love, I just lost weight on its own without knowing – I didn’t do exercise, only work non stop, run up n down, no interest in going anywhere, no mood in knowing what is happening in the world outside me, have no distraction in moving my will.

Haiz… what am I such a loser?! No mood in doing anything but just rot on my mum’s bed and watch dvd the whole day, until I felt aslept somemore! Where am I? Can I just become like that again? That day I was bad mood cuz I was unable to screen anyone successfully – cold call to Malaysia, and ended up gorging myself with chocolate and coffee and all the fattening food out of frustration. Why I’ll turn to food when I’m bad mood now, whereas last time I won’t be like that. Why? How can I stop myself from doing that? I’ve tried many methods, stay positive, but things never work out. Want to be negative [by force], I couldn’t! Why is it so hard to sad?!

Labels: lazy-ness