Today i met up with Edmund, who i used to work with everyday, but lately, we have not met up for almost half a year. And in the half a year, it's seriously that I've put on so much weight that he 1st saw me across the road, he could already tell! OMG!!! i think i really make it anymore! how? what should i do?

We went movie together - for HOLLYWOODLAND - no wonder there isn't much advertisement, the show is really "still", slow pace and quite boring (esp for those who do not really know how to appreciate the other parts of movie, other than the storyline) i was paying almost 90% attention in watching that, and i could somehow understand it (perhaps 70%). I felt quite bad that Edmund was really too bored that he felt aslept. But i know he was being nice to accompany me to watch movie.

Then we went to search for my present, as expected, i really don't feel much special / differences in the upcoming bday already. In fact, i'm not even keen in celebrating. I don't know why? Maybe in my heart, I'm not very happie about my weight gain? I'm still not satisfied with what I am now. But neither am I depressed as a whole. Maybe cuz I need to face people, so I can't force myself to pull a long face when I face people. But what should I do now? I really think that I need STRESS & keep myself occupied day & night 24-7, so that I won't be free to get myself distracted and think of eating. And become fat eventually! I also think that I should BAN from all the gatherings, or i meet people after they eat, so I won't be tempted to eat, even though it has already passed the dinner time.

I've set myself a time barrier - 7pm, not to eat after that. But I'm not disciplined enough. Only after i felt guilty, then the little voice in me will say, "never mind! Tomorrow starts again!" I've read a book that I have to keep a positive mind, tell yourself that it's a mistake and you will change it. But how come I did that but become and over-used excuse? I'm not keeping to my promise! And I can't just let myself don't care for the promise, if i totally let go, i believe i'm be back to me when i was 54kg (Maximum). I really can't allow myself from reverting to the OLD me. But how come i'm not disciplined enough?

There are many methods out there, such as tying up the stomach [About $20k], pills that help to extract oil from food... And then i know that determination worth so much $$$. How come I could successful did that but not now? I believe if i could do it, i CAN do it now too! My thighs & Carves are huge now, and they used to be too, how to reduce them? Chop them off - i wish i could! I seriously think that i can only eat non-protein food and try to burn more energy now. i really don't know what i should & can do? I think one BIG factor that I need now is to be focused and consistent, be determined in this program. But i'm worried that i will not be able to resist temptation next week, since 16th Jan is next week.

Haiz... i don't wana exercise, as i don't wana build up the muscles, but if i don't, how to increase my metabolic rate & burn off the stubborn fats? HELP! Why is it so hard on female? It's so unfair!!! :(

Labels: Round #1 Celebration