"ri jiu jian ren xin" = you will see through someone after some time

now i really "see through" better on how my group of best friends see me as...

to them, probably i'm just someone who is

"materialistic"
"hold high expectation(s) from people"
"never appreciate the effort put in by them"
"a shallow shelf"...

they have well-SHOT me with all these bullets... despite i'm severely injured on the same spot (my heart), i'm just holding on to my my breathe to say all out...

i agree that i'm a perfectist, but i'm not someone who hold such high expectations for people as compared to for myself, coz i know that's impossible. But isn't it logical that human being will tend to hold slightly higher expectation from people whom you really value most, whom you really want to spend time with [not only on the special occsaions]? ~ for this current "case", i reserved my special day for my group of best friends, coz i really want to spend it with them; on the other hand, if my friend(s) want(s) me to celebrate their special day, i will be more than honoured to go. But somehow it just seems to me that they are very obliged to go [for a gathering]. Honestly, i appreciated their effort & time to drop by and have fun together, but when it's your special of the year, i think it's not too much to ask for to be able to feel that you are the "star of that few hours", and be in your wonderland for the few hours of the evening, am i right? that's why i always put them in my considerations whenever i do things - coz i value them alot.

i don't feel very happy about that evening (just for eg) coz i don't feel much effort put in by everyone, i can see that some of them do and i greatly appreciated that, however, i feel that the others are just coming for the sake / practice to celeb someone's bday when they are available. As compared to last year, i was more than so much joy that i can see that everyone has put in effort, and they come is coz they want to celeb my bday for me; i felt so delighted even many of them gave me a last min written bday card / note, coz i know those messages are coming from their HEART!

i've done so much for them, i'm not asking for the same amount of return from them, or even much return from them, all i wish to see is their appreication to my effort put in for them. i was much disappointed coz i don't feel appreciated & have been taken for granted for very long. It's ok to give abit more than others since we are so good friends, but as you keep giving and giving, but not much of things that you can receive from the other parties, eventually you will be tired out and the disappointed will just surface, coz you keep trying & hoping in everytime you do something for them, but it always end up as otherwise. ~ How would you feel?

It might be the more explicit western culture that makes this differ from the traditional chinese mindset (who will tend to use action to show their love and concerns), that's why they don't seem to care so much from their actions. i think that someone's action / behaviour are shaped by their thoughts and personalities in that way. So if they are more "westernized", then wouldn't they should be more explicit in their actions in showing appreication? or is it so hard for someone to just say, "Whao.. that's very nice! I really appreciate that." ?

My HK primary school friend - Cheryl, whom i haven't met up for 10 years coz we are living far apart, and for sometimes we have lost contacts, but recently, we are in touch again. It was such a sweet thing to know that she still remembers my Bday [from her little wish on my tagboard]. i didnt expect that from her. that's why it just melt my heart. and i received so many wishes from many people but just not my group of friends, why? they forgotten? or it's not very important since they will say it later when we meet up, so there's no need to sms wishes again? ~ to me, i just feel that they don't really care that much on that. But to me, i think it's a small but a way to show that you value your friend, that's why u wan to wish her on her bday regardless you are going to meet up or not. Reflecting back, don't i do that for everyone?! YES! i do!

Maybe i value them too much that they think i'm overboard? and maybe i read too much into things? but i still hold firmly for my analysis from my observations, and i believe some of us do feel the same way. And i don't want our long & valuable friendship to just dilute away as time goes, instead, even it might be very hard to grow as we have more other priorities in life, but i just wish that it can be maintained. But apparently, such "expectation" is considered of too high to achieve; and being shallowly judged by people whom i know the longest. Do you know how painful it is to see someone, whom you value & cheish so much, to say such thing to you? No wonder i'm so seriously injured by the 1st bullet.

Labels: what friends are for? ~ efforts are never appreciated / cherished